WE ALL KNOW Metallica take copyright violations as seriously as they do their love of Raider Nation, but Napster's archenemies are going to have to start picking and choosing their court battles more carefully or risk turning everyone against them. Metallica's latest brush with the world of cease and desist is actually pretty hair-brained. It seems June 10 is the launch date for their longtime-coming eighth studio album, St. Anger's Day (Elektra). So the boys, allegedly, thought a fine way to hype the disc and generate free radio publicity in the weeks leading to the hallowed day would be for rock stations to decree the month of May "Maytallica."

But having the privilege to use such a high-larious audience grabber doesn't come without its restrictions. The San Leandro boys don't want their brilliant idea abused. And who can blame them, as Rocktober turns into AC/December and Van Halen Three-peats morphs into, um, Van Halen Four-peats.

So being the savvy music-biz guys they are, the metal men have been busily sending radio programming directors trademark license agreements signed by "General Partner" Lars Ullrich, a.k.a. the drummer, a.k.a. Master of the Puppets. The finely detailed contracts define radio stations' "right" to use the band's name and the trademarked promo phrase "Maytallica" on the airwaves: "(Insert name here) shall not use MAYTALLICA for any purposes other than for radio programming services relating to Metallica and to promote such services and agrees not to seek registration of MAYTALLICA...."

Hokay, so the question is who's going to profit from swiping the name "Maytallica"? And wouldn't it be in the band's best interest for "Maytallica" to be on everyone's lips? Some metal maniacs are apparently off-the-hook control freaks, prompting one program director who signed up for the promotion to whip up his own irate version of the contract titled "Guarantee of not sucking ass" addressed to "Corporate Rock Egos Gone Completely Fucking Mad (herein known as 'Metallica')."

Don't be cruel Who can drag the real-life kitchen crew and wait staff of Teatro Zinzanni into the classy cheese of the dinner theater's vaudevillian production, all while singing "Taking Care of Business" and pulling off leopard skin and gold lamé? El Vez, that's who.

As the man otherwise known as Robert Lopez strutted into the Embarcadero-hugging tent last week, two British cast members gasped, "It's the American Idol." "That's Mexican American Idol, Pet Shop Boys," El Vez snarled in his most cartoonish accent.

El Vez will be with the production only through Cinco de Mayo, completing a whirlwind run (with pit stops on The View as a fantasy wedding entertainer). He returns to the Teatro in Seattle, where it was originated by One Reel (which also produces the Bumbershoot arts festival), and plans to tour election year 2004 with an "El Vez for Prez" set.

The King was always part of Lopez's musical environment. When Lopez was a kid, Elvis just seemed like another part of the family, which eventually led Lopez to come up with his own Latino back story for Presley. "His mom always said that she was one-sixteeneth Indian, but what are the Indians of Juarez but just a northern migration of Mexicans?" hypothesizes the former member of first-wave Los Angeles punk band the Zeros. "When I was a kid, I had a whole catalog of him looking very dark and Latin – and I had no separation of thinking, 'Oh there's a white man, and these are my uncles,' in continental slacks and greased hair. He looked Latin, like me."

From scratch Billy Jam's Hip Hop Slam will get you scratching and mixing – back and forth – at the Expo for the Artist and Musician May 4 at CELLspace. DJ Platum, Teeko, DJ Pone, and Youth Radio alum DnZ give free afternoon lessons at the event. Earlier that day the DJs make a "Scratch Attack" live appearance on KALX 90.7 FM.

Where everybody knows your name Speaking of Metallica, who knows when they'll reprise their long-ago secret show at Kimo's. The next best, different thing: Ours vocalist Jimmy Gnecco, who last played the Fillmore, dropped in for a solo show at the Tenderloin venue April 22.

At other clubs this week: Flare Records poobah Pete Gowdy announces that Workin' Stiff at 26 Mix heretofore props itself up at the bar, with live bands, no cover, and $2 drinks, every first and third Wednesday of the month; Kirby Grips go girlie May 7; Track Star make the dash May 21. Hook/System DJ Christopher Lawrence follows up appearances in the documentary "Put the Needle on the Record" and feature film "Midsummer Night's Rave" with his latest achievement, fatherhood – and a May 2 performance at 1015 Folsom.

Rocking the house with la Raza: The Sublounge at 628 20th St. throws a free first-year anniversary party on Cinco de Mayo, welcoming DJs like E Roll of SpaceLounge, Anthony Garlic of Green Gorilla Lounge, and Andrew Kelsey of OM Records. Punch Gallery at 155 10th St. follows up its first and soon-to-be-bimonthly record swap April 20, with May 2's "Representa" Cinco de Mayo soiree and closing party for its "Coast to Coast" exhibit.

X marks the spot: Paul of XBXRX was said to be robbed while on tour in NYC, and the tabloids caught everyone's favorite rock ex Winona Ryder smooching it up with Bright Eyes' Conor Oberst. Rumor has it the love fest began at last fall's sold-out Great American Music Hall shows. Regardless, Ryder was nowhere to be found at her former squeeze Pete Yorn's April 21 performance at the Warfield, and I wondered, could it be true that Yorn is the subject of Liz Phair's new songs about a younger man? Also that night a suave, suited Tom Waits – a far cry from his scruffier appearance at Ornette Coleman's SFJAZZ concert months back – was spied in the reviewers box with an adorable little boy, buying candy from a Peachy's Puff like they were at the circus. Aw, cute.