DEAR ANDREA: There's an idea that seems to be missing from your column and others: time. People write about a particular fetish, obsession, aversion, etc. The p.c. response is "Everybody's got 'em. Relax and make sure you hook up with a partner who is amenable to them."

My sense is that while some fetishes really are deeply rooted aspects of character, others are just phases: until you get fucked in the butt/tied down and pissed on/insert fetish here, you will obsess about it. However, once you've indulged for some period and gotten it out of your system, you may be ready to move on.

Another missing idea: When people ask, "If I do X, does that make me gay?," usually you advise them that it doesn't. In reality, it often does, and that's a good thing. They should try it, and eventually they'll get used to the idea and just come out of the closet.

I guess I'd like to see your answers reflect the impossibility of giving One Answer that covers it. I think we need to be reminded of the benefits of not being too rigidly certain – is it impossible to reflect the mysteriousness and ambiguity of sex in one paragraph?

Love, Mystery Man

Dear Man: How about this, from last week's column: "Why anyone wants anything beyond your basic food and shelter is essentially unknowable." Mysterious enough for you? Seriously, what rigid certainty did you mean, exactly? My only One Answer is "it depends," and you couldn't have meant that. Maybe you were reading someone else. Most mysterious.

I know of nothing to support the "just get it out of your system" theory of paraphilia; the real thing seems to run deeper than that. I will agree, though, that kinky whims are as likely to come and go as they are to move in and run (or ruin) your life. There's a difference between lifelong passions and, well, fashion. You remember that one weird kid who always wanted to play pirates or get captured by Indians, just so he could get tied to a tree? Chances are he's still at it, despite being 35 now and a successful software engineer. On the other end of the spectrum is the guy who never dreamed of getting branded or pissing on people until he moved to San Francisco, and then only because everyone else was doing it. I tend to think of these as two quite separate phenomena, but as with everything else, it depends.

So, yeah. Especially these days, when everything you can imagine and a number of things you can't are available to anyone with Web access, people do try on perversions, have some fun, and move on. If I ever implied they didn't, I take it back. As for your other complaint, please stand by.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I've been married for four years. Our sex life has slowly gone down the drain. We have sex less and less frequently, and it doesn't last very long when we do, and there is no foreplay. Lately there's been an added problem. I'm bisexual, and I find myself more interested in women than men. I love watching women together in porn. I love seeing them naked. Watching a man and a woman together does little for me. Seeing a man naked does next to nothing. Also, I heard once that whichever gender you masturbate to, that's the one you prefer. I always masturbate to women. Do you think I'm gay?

Love, Fantasy Girl

Dear Girl: Yes. Yes, I do.

Naw, not really. I don't know enough about your situation to judge, and I'm not sure you do either. I'd have to know, for instance, whether sex with men has always lacked that certain something, or only with your husband, or only recently. I'd have to know whether you've even mentioned to him that you'd prefer more foreplay – come to think of it, I'd have to know whether you even want more foreplay, or if you'd just as soon skip the whole thing. And I'd have to know if you were ever in love with him, or if perhaps you only married him for lack of a better plan.

If you are in love with and attracted to your husband, stay and try to work it out. If you've taken stock and realized you'd rather be with women (or even a different man), well, it's time to get a move on. It may be wrenching now, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Fantasizing about women doesn't mean you're a lesbian. Fantasizing about, enjoying sex with, bonding with, and falling in love with women to the exclusion of men – well, you have to make the call. I can't do it for you. One thing I am certain of, though: About that "you are what you masturbate to" rule? I wish it were that simple!

Love, Andrea