DEAR ANDREA: I recently had sex with a condom on, and afterward I couldn't find it anywhere. Can a condom get stuck inside? And what will happen, and how can you get it out?

Love, Lost

Dear Lost: Well, where do you think it went? Your girlfriend may still be a bit mysterious to you at this point, but the topography is not that complicated. The vagina is only so deep – say, five or six inches – so if it's still in there, it's still in there, up behind the pelvic bone, not swimming upstream like a salmon.

Anything stuck in a body cavity long enough is going to – I don't know how to put this delicately – go bad, so if it's actually lodged itself back there, it'll be pretty obvious by now. One of you will have to fish around for it with your fingers, and then she should bathe very thoroughly and make sure there's no irritation or discharge. But far, far more likely, it's still hidden in the covers, under the bed, or stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

A lost condom is no big deal. Condoms that can't be trusted to stay put are a very big deal. From now on, pay attention. Look down now and then to make sure the condom's where it's supposed to be. If it seems to be slipping, hold it in place with your fingers and then buy some that fit a little more tightly. Just so you know, these are rarely sold as "smaller." "Snugger fit" is considered a more salable concept.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: The other day we had sex with a condom, and then we wanted to again but didn't have any left, so we used Saran Wrap. Is that OK for an emergency, and is it as effective as a condom, for a onetime use?

Love, Wrapped Up

Dear Up: Are you the same guy as "Lost?" You are, aren't you? So the condoms you ran out of were the ones that didn't fit anyway. No great loss.

Of course plastic wrap doesn't work. It might if you managed to heat-seal it into a snug-fitting sleeve (they sell condoms made of a similar, though thicker, material), but that's hardly practical. Assuming you didn't, there were gaps where the wrap overlapped, leaving any number of possible escape routes for the sperm. Sperm are tiny, not to mention wily, in their brainless way. Did you know they navigate by something like a sense of smell? If there's a way to get where they want to go, they will find it.

So, was it too terribly dangerous to do it just this once? Oh, probably not. You'll probably get away with it. It's even likely you did significantly reduce the likelihood of pregnancy, simply by reducing the amount of ejaculate that actually got into her. But that is no excuse, do you hear me? Look, you guys are obviously young. You are not to take silly risks with your futures, just because you were too dumb and too horny to wait until somebody made a drugstore run. As your dumb-and-horny quotients are not likely to change much, at least till you're out of college, I recommend buying in bulk.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My girlfriend and I want to try anal sex. Is there any type of lubrication I can use that can be found around the house? I don't want to look like a perv going into a drugstore! Would Vaseline work?

Love, Too Shy

Dear Shy: If you don't want to look like a perv, don't have anal sex. Seems perfectly simple to me.

Actually, I have a better idea. You could grow up, face the fact that you're having sex, whatever kind of sex it is, and go get the stuff you need in order to have it responsibly. I mean, presumably you've already been having vaginal sex – what were you doing about birth control? And don't tell me Saran Wrap.

No, Vaseline will not work. It's barely slippery and impossible to wash out, but that's not the real problem. The real problem is that it eats condoms for breakfast. If you're going to be having anal sex, vaginal sex without some other kind of birth control, or any kind of sex where there might be a risk of disease transmission, you are going to be using condoms. You can get them when you buy the lube. You can buy some other stuff (say, sunscreen and Lifesavers, not adult diapers and an enema kit) at the same time if you're afraid of looking weird. Believe me, the checkout clerks at Walgreens are not interested in your sex life. On the contrary, they probably go well out of their way to avoid thinking about where you're going to stick your purchases when you get home.

Love, Andrea