Fun fact: The symbol for the planet Mars is also the symbol for male, a circle with an oh-so-masculine arrow popping out of it. Manly Mars governs our sex vibes, our ambition, how we compete, our muscular system, and crappy testosterone casualties like war and weaponry.

Aries

(March 21-April 19)

Have you ever heard the irritating brain twister that the only true stability is change? You'd be wise to mind such paradoxes this week. Like, To keep it together, you've got to let it slip from your grasp. Scary, but it's the most righteous way to that security you're craving.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

Your brain might feel split down the middle, what with all those conflicting thoughts. You might find a little peace in realizing these ideas have a common source: you. Take your wily notions out and get to know them. There's no reason you can't all be pals.

Gemini

(May 21-June 21)

Down the road you will receive a special assignment from the mysterious Psychic Dream Agency, and it will require lots of intriguing action. But not this week. This week you sit on your ass and ponder your past. It holds many of your solutions; plus, you know what happens to those who aren't achingly familiar with their own histories.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22)

Gosh, Cancer, it sounds so trite, so simple, so duh, but really you just want to be happy. And goddammit, you deserve to be! So get off your ass and start hustling toward that excellent person, place, or thing that promises to splash a little more joy in your juice. Unlike the "shit" made famous by bumper stickers, happiness isn't going to just happen. It needs a little boost from your end.

Leo

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Yeah, you've got some big decisions to make, but you're good with big. You think big, you talk big, you've got big hair, and you drive a big-ass truck. The challenge this week is to check on those squeaking details that need your attention – it'll give you the grounding you need.

Virgo

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Change your mind lately, Virgo? With all the exuberant change occurring around you, how could you resist joining the fun? We here at Psychic Dream Inc. would like to bestow upon you a dazzling ribbon to honor the excellent job you've done taking care of your emotional needs. Pump up your inner strength this week and we might have another prize for you down the line.

Libra

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Sad, sad Libra! Why are you so? Is it the nagging sensation that your days have morphed into a dingy rut? Or is it the way you take the rut to bed with you and cuddle it under the blankets like a stuffed bunny? Take the rut-bunny to the dump this week and make space in your life for more pleasant plushies.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You're wide open and bursting with joie de vivre like a shook-up bottle of champagne. There's a reason the universe has dumped all this tingly goodness on your lap: to help you make the choices that allow for more – more! – of these fantastic feelings.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It feels good to be you, don't it, Sag? You've got street cred, you've got "Integrity" tattooed on your wrist like a punk rock princess, and you've got something else: that ball of bad energy weighing you down, cramping your style, and otherwise annoying you. You'll get places faster without it, so take a minute out of your spazzy life to kick it to the curb.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It's like someone stole your date book, your PalmPilot, the keys to your minivan, and your entire family of dependents. Oh well, guess you have no choice but to slack off and enjoy yourself! You just don't have all the tools to build or dismantle your future right now, so take a load off and try to appreciate this blissful lack of responsibility.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It's sort of weird how the word mental has been embraced as a slur, isn't it, Aquarius? Mental is the place where you live, and it's a lovely neighborhood. Stop obsessing on its history. Your time is best spent building some fences and looking ahead.

Pisces

(Feb. 19-March 20)

You need a break from that dog-eat-dog, big-fish-eat-little-fish world you've been swimming in. Security is important, but so is having fun! Put yourself in the place that makes you happiest and watch everything you need zoom in your direction.

  Michelle Tea is an award-winning writer who is deeply enamored with the esoteric arts. Intuitive counselor Jessica Lanyadoo has been serving the Bay Area and beyond with her mind-blowingly accurate astrology and tarot readings for the past eight years.

Together they are Double Team Psychic Dream, an astrology-tarot collaboration that has been fraternizing with fate for the past five years. Call Lanyadoo for an appointment at (415) 336-8354. Write to Double Team at lovedoubleteam@hotmail.com.