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By Andrea Nemerson

Assumptions

DEAR ANDREA: I read the column about the problem with fellatio the guy was having. A considerable part of his girlfriend's "ick" factor is probably what he has been eating. Tell him to go on a diet of berries and wheat for a week, then ask her how it tastes!
Love,
Animals Don't Worry

Dear Animals:
I certainly will not! Dude, precious few guys (precious you, I assume, accepted) would be willing to give up eating and drinking like a normal person and take up chewing their cud, even with the promise of the world's greatest head in recompense. I'm not about to start telling them to do so.
I once received a rather aggrieved letter from some guy in the mail-order cum-flavor-improvement business, who was most displeased with me for making fun of his product. He'd failed to notice, somehow, that I make fun of pretty much everyone's product, with the exception of Google and Peet's Coffee. Anyway, I may have pooh-poohed the product, which was, if I recall, extraordinarily pricey, but I agree in principle that you are what you eat. Parsley and pineapple juice are often touted, but drinking plenty of water and cutting out the bitter – if often gratifying – alkaloids (nicotine in particular) should take care of most of it. After that, it's worth remembering that we're talking about semen, not organic-free-range-honey-yogurt smoothies. It's supposed to be a little funky.
Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea:
In your reply to the person who wrote about not being able to find a condom after sex, you assumed the writer was a man who was having vaginal sex with a woman. I would be interested in seeing your reply to this question for people who are having anal sex. Are there different concerns with items getting lost in that situation?
Also, I was wondering how you decide how to reply to people who write in, if their gender is not clear. I thought it was odd that you assumed hetero vaginal sex, but maybe I'm in my own little queer bubble and most of your writers are straight men so it's a safe assumption. But a lot of your readers are in S.F., so ...?
Love,
Bubble Girl

Dear Girl:
I get asked this a lot, and I'm happy to explain. I warn you, though, the answer is so obvious you will have to slap yourself on the forehead and say "D'oh." Ready? I don't guess their genders; they almost always tell me. I edit. A letter beginning "My girlfriend and I ..." and ending "Love, Swifty" originally began "I am an nineteen-year-old male. My girlfriend and me ..." and ended "Thanx a lot, your great! Steve. PS: plese don't use my real name."
Condoms, by the way, very rarely get lost inside, even briefly. If one were to, though, it would be far more likely to lodge aft rather than fore, and yes, I would worry more then. The vagina ends behind the cervix, while the colon ends, approximately, at the mouth, with many places to run aground in between. I would instruct such a person to get medical help for any pain or gastric distress, and otherwise just keep a watch out for the renegade's reappearance.
Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea:
"Too Shy" wrote, "My girlfriend and I want to try anal sex.... Would Vaseline work?" and you responded, "No, Vaseline will not work.... It eats condoms for breakfast. If you're going to be having anal sex, vaginal sex without some other kind of birth control, or any kind of sex where there might be a risk of disease transmission, you are going to be using condoms."
But when my girlfriend fucks me, we simply boil the silicon afterward, dry it off, and store it in a Ziploc. I know we could use condoms instead, but why bother? Seems to me like you've got your safer sex info muddled ... or maybe just your ass-umptions?
Love,
Bend Over Boyfriend
P.S. I prefer Maximus lube, which is "specifically designed for 'heavier' applications."

Dear BOB:
Omigod, that was so funny! I mean, talk about making ass-umptions. While "BOBbing" may be all the rage among the hipster set, most people still do it the other way around, pene-trating with pe-nises. They use condoms and water-based lube because they have to, what with all those messy secretions and diseases and stuff. The writer and his girlfriend weren't putting the penis in the dishwasher and a Ziploc, son, because it was still attached to the owner's body. By the way, that's silicone! Silicon would be just, ow.
Love,
Andrea

E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.


June 25, 2003