June 25, 2003
By Andrea Nemerson
DEAR ANDREA: I read the column about the problem with fellatio
the guy was having. A considerable part of his girlfriend's "ick"
factor is probably what he has been eating. Tell him to go on a diet
of berries and wheat for a week, then ask her how it tastes!
Animals Don't Worry
I certainly will not! Dude, precious few guys (precious you, I assume,
accepted) would be willing to give up eating and drinking like a normal
person and take up chewing their cud, even with the promise of the world's
greatest head in recompense. I'm not about to start telling them to
I once received a rather aggrieved letter from some guy in the mail-order
cum-flavor-improvement business, who was most displeased with me for
making fun of his product. He'd failed to notice, somehow, that I make
fun of pretty much everyone's product, with the exception of Google
and Peet's Coffee. Anyway, I may have pooh-poohed the product, which
was, if I recall, extraordinarily pricey, but I agree in principle that
you are what you eat. Parsley and pineapple juice are often touted,
but drinking plenty of water and cutting out the bitter if often
gratifying alkaloids (nicotine in particular) should take care
of most of it. After that, it's worth remembering that we're talking
about semen, not organic-free-range-honey-yogurt smoothies. It's
supposed to be a little funky.
In your reply to the person who wrote about not being able to find a
condom after sex, you assumed the writer was a man who was having vaginal
sex with a woman. I would be interested in seeing your reply to this
question for people who are having anal sex. Are there different concerns
with items getting lost in that situation?
Also, I was wondering how you decide how to reply to people who write
in, if their gender is not clear. I thought it was odd that you assumed
hetero vaginal sex, but maybe I'm in my own little queer bubble and
most of your writers are straight men so it's a safe assumption. But
a lot of your readers are in S.F., so ...?
I get asked this a lot, and I'm happy to explain. I warn you,
though, the answer is so obvious you will have to slap yourself on the
forehead and say "D'oh." Ready? I don't guess their genders;
they almost always tell me. I edit. A letter beginning "My
girlfriend and I ..." and ending "Love, Swifty" originally
began "I am an nineteen-year-old male. My girlfriend and me ..."
and ended "Thanx a lot, your great! Steve. PS: plese don't use
my real name."
Condoms, by the way, very rarely get lost inside, even briefly. If
one were to, though, it would be far more likely to lodge aft rather
than fore, and yes, I would worry more then. The vagina ends behind
the cervix, while the colon ends, approximately, at the mouth, with
many places to run aground in between. I would instruct such a person
to get medical help for any pain or gastric distress, and otherwise
just keep a watch out for the renegade's reappearance.
"Too Shy" wrote, "My girlfriend and I want to try anal
sex.... Would Vaseline work?" and you responded, "No, Vaseline
will not work.... It eats condoms for breakfast. If you're going to
be having anal sex, vaginal sex without some other kind of birth control,
or any kind of sex where there might be a risk of disease transmission,
you are going to be using condoms."
But when my girlfriend fucks me, we simply boil the silicon afterward,
dry it off, and store it in a Ziploc. I know we could use condoms instead,
but why bother? Seems to me like you've got your safer sex info muddled
... or maybe just your ass-umptions?
Bend Over Boyfriend
P.S. I prefer Maximus lube, which is "specifically designed for
Omigod, that was so funny! I mean, talk about making ass-umptions.
While "BOBbing" may be all the rage among the hipster set,
most people still do it the other way around, pene-trating with pe-nises.
They use condoms and water-based lube because they have to, what with
all those messy secretions and diseases and stuff. The writer and his
girlfriend weren't putting the penis in the dishwasher and a Ziploc,
son, because it was still attached to the owner's body. By the
way, that's silicone! Silicon would be just, ow.
E-mail Andrea Nemerson at email@example.com.