DEAR ANDREA: For some reason I faked an orgasm. I regretted it soon after, but he seemed so happy 'cuz I never had had one. Should I tell him I lied, or should I just not fake anymore and maybe he'll do something different? Which would be better?

Love,
Faker Shaker

Dear Shaker:

Oh dear. Why do you think every expert in every book cautions the young and well-meaning against faking it? I'll tell you. It isn't so much an ethical problem (although it's that, too) as it is a practical one. Think about it: once you start lying, when do you stop? And how can you expect to get your needs met in the future when your partner thinks he's already meeting them? Hell, once you fake it you can't even get mad at the poor guy for leaving you high and dry. He's giving you exactly what you asked for.

Look, don't fret too much. It was just the one little lie; it should be possible to get out of this undamaged. You needn't even cop to having faked it; you can just start fresh from here. I'll tell you what you cannot do, though: you cannot compound the problem by lying there silently hoping he'll do something different next time. As far as he knows, he doesn't have to.

Now, have you really never had an orgasm, or just not with him? If the latter, it's time to start showing him what you know. Believe me, he'll be thankful for the lesson. If the former, it's time to get some books and maybe a vibrator and start figuring out what does work for you. And if he keeps asking about that magical night when everything mysteriously came together, you can just shrug, start flipping through your new how-to books, and say, "I thought I did, but I'm not really sure, now. Hey, how about we try this?"

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I've been dating this new guy. It was his first time. When I'm playing with him, he always stops me and finishes himself off. This is a total turnoff for me, and I just roll over and go to sleep. He says it's only because he's been doing it for himself for so long that he doesn't like for other people to try to help him. Oooooookay, and I am supposed to do what exactly?

Love,
Laid Off

Dear Off:

Well, at least he's honest. That's not helpful, is it? But there's something to it – lots of people would just as soon finish themselves off as wait around forever for their partners to do it for them, or do it the way they want. And lots of people have trained themselves into responding to a certain set of stimuli and dread trying to teach new partners old tricks. It sure might be nice, though, if your new guy would at least give you an audition, wouldn't it? Have you asked?

I think it's perfectly reasonable for a couple to decide that it works best when partner B, say, finishes himself off after partner A does such and such and the two of them together do such, such, and such. That's just problem solving, and I'm all for it. If you can make that work for you, great; all fixed. If, however, you feel rejected and left out and he doesn't even want to discuss it, let alone give you a chance to try it yourself, that's not problem solving, it's just a problem. For you.

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea: My girlfriend recently bought a vibrator. It's a turn-on, but she's been using it more and more and is having problems reaching an orgasm while we are together. Is she addicted? Is it possible she is now so dependent on a battery-operated machine that it's harder for her to climax during the real thing?

Love,
Left Out

Dear Lefty: I could go into the lecture about how, while you cannot become addicted to your vibrator, you can become habituated, and they are different because blah blah, whoop-de-doo, and so on. Instead, I'll just say that yes, it may be more difficult for her to come from human-powered stimulation now that she's used to the vibe's superhuman ministrations. She can fix this by putting the toy away for a while and retraining herself, or you can simply consider the machine part of your ménage from now on and bring it out as needed. Another possibility, which you won't like but may have to get over, is that back when you thought she was having all those orgasms with no mechanical intervention, she, well, wasn't. Especially if by "the real thing" you meant intercourse. Intercourse is great and all, but for most women, it just can't compete with the Magic Wand in the "I can't help it, I'm gonna come" department.

Love,
Andrea