When servers attack
Be sure to think twice before dissing the person who's bringing your food

RECENTLY A LOCAL news station ran a short segment about a waiter at Sizzler who had seemingly become so enraged by certain of his customers that he followed them home and pelted their house with eggs, syrup, and toilet paper.

As I watched the aggrieved family mope through their front yard pulling huge strands of toilet paper from the trees and picking eggs shells out of the grass, I could almost hear a collective "Yep" from all of the Bay Area's service-industry employees. Indeed, any member of the restaurant industry who regularly interacts with the public – whether server, bartender, busser, or hostess – clearly understands the compelling lure of the dark side.

While it pains me to see a colleague resort to culinary terrorism, the thought of retaliation inevitably enters the mind of every service-industry employee when abuse endured on the job significantly outweighs the benefits of the job.

In this case, the conflict was apparently caused when a young customer asked if she could substitute a baked potato for the vegetables that were supposed to come with her dish. It seems that the waiter's response to this request was deemed rude, which in turn caused the youngster's parents to complain to the manager ... then, in no time at all, the sound of eggs breaking against aluminum siding was resonating throughout suburbia.

Though unfortunate, it is not in the least surprising that such a petty matter as a potato could escalate into such a bad situation for all involved. The industry is just inherently inclined in this way. For instance, the one time in my wage-slave career that I ever quit a job on the spot was in response to an argument with my manager about how a customer had ordered her soup. Yes, my livelihood, my rent, my grocery funds, my money for my college education all abruptly dried up one afternoon in a dispute over whether some New England clam chowder should have been served in a vessel composed of ceramic pottery or sourdough bread. In regard to the Sizzler incident, I'd wager that it wasn't the high-maintenance customers who prompted the server to become a stalker, but the fact that they were willing to jeopardize his livelihood over such a trivial matter.

In defense of the terrorized family, who probably didn't deserve such a large order of the home-delivered egg-and-syrup combo, I will say that I have never heard of (or in my own schemes considered) following an obnoxious customer home. However, it is a plain fact of the business that extremely volatile waitpeople are scattered about, like land mines on a battlefield. Their temperament is due less to any innate wickedness than to a steady accumulation of harassment and other inane treatment from customers and superiors. Just as many servers have had a boss' bad mood inflicted on them, so too do servers sometimes abruptly let loose the unvented pressures of long mistreatment on some (mostly) undeserving customer.

Then, of course, there is the issue of substitutions. Usually substitutions are not a big deal, but it is important that the customer is conscious of how busy the server is at the time the substitution is requested.

The bigger issue with substitutions has to do with the kitchen. Chefs are simply infamous in their reluctance to make substitutions, and as a result many servers are more willing to fight it out with a customer (who they'll probably only see once) than to suffer the abuse of a chef (whom they work with every day). However, if you need the chef's rationale explained to you, here's a good way to gain some perspective: the next time your grandmother cooks you a big dinner, stop and ask if she can substitute her famous mashed potatoes for something else ... I don't know ... perhaps a grain? Maybe rice pilaf?

As I've mentioned, even in my most infuriated moments, neither the thought of stalking a customer nor vandalizing said customer's house has ever occurred to me (which is why – unlike the Sizzler employee – I am neither out of a job nor in jail). Yet it has always amazed me that customers would treat a server poorly and then just carry on with dinner as if the insulted server would never consider retaliating. So here are two tips to consider when navigating the dining world minefield: never piss off someone who (a) is serving you food that you care to eat, or (b) is going to be handling your credit card some time after you piss him or her off.

Although I can empathize with Sizzler Stalker's predicament, his technique seems unimaginative, tasteless, and trashy (much like Sizzler itself). Of course, there is one nagging question that I just can't seem to sort out: when choosing his means of vandalizing the house ... why didn't he throw potatoes??