DEAR ANDREA: I have to bring up the movie Secretary. For the first time in my life I feel like someone understands that being dominant or submissive doesn't require leather, vinyl, or a "gothic" appearance. I've always had these fantasies, but how do I find a partner? I'm not looking for a leather/vinyl goth/punk, nor am I looking for a backwoods drunk redneck, nor am I looking for someone who is demeaning (Rush Limbaugh? Nooo!). Where can I meet a man like this? Also, are there support groups for us? And I was wondering if you can recommend any reading to a new submissive?

Thank you for understanding us!

Love,
Less Lonely

Dear Les: It's true that kink pret-a-porter runs toward the predictably dark and shiny, but S-M people aren't really much goth-ier or punk-ier than other folk; it's just for dress-up. Of course there's a lot of overlap between the kinky and the vampire-wannabe Nick Cave types. But there are also a lot of computer geeks playing too, and you don't see that many people making the scene in baggy-ass jeans and a soiled Red Dwarf T-shirt. Kinkwear is a thing unto itself, reflecting not much at all on the wearer's everyday style or other affiliations. You don't have to adopt it, nor are you under any obligation to find it attractive.

There are plenty of conservative-looking, corporate-type guys who like to pick up a flogger on a Friday night, any one of whom would probably be delighted to bend you (dressed up like Maggie Gyllenhaal, of course) over his knee. You can find them through online personals (although you'll want to proceed veeery carefully with those) or by joining an S-M social (not "support") group, which are easily found through well-connected pervs like the Society of Janus (www.soj.org/groups.html). Check out something like Dossie Eason's The Bottoming Book for newbie etiquette and ideas.

I do think, though, that you'll want to get over any preconceived ideas about the meaning of black leather, vinyl, and the like. They may seem hackneyed or off-putting at first, but honestly, what do you want your stern disciplinarian to wear, once you find him? A three-piece suit would work to kick off the scene, but it isn't really very practical (think of the dry cleaning bills!). And after that – what? It's kind of leather, latex, uniform, denim, or (quite reasonably) nothing. I mean, what's left? Supplex cargo shorts and Tevas? A big pink fuzzy bunny suit?

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I've been wanting for years to delve into the world of S-M, bondage and discipline, power and submission. Problem is, I was severely punished physically by my dad. There were years of being spanked by wood boards, rubber hoses, leather belts, etc. – sometimes daily. I don't even remember what all the whippings were for. I was a pretty good, quiet kid. Now, as an adult, the idea of spankings, domination, that kind of role-playing doesn't turn me on at all! Not with consensual partners or with masturbation fantasies – I just can't get into it. I've had this dilemma for years.

Love,
Unbound but Determined

Dear Bound: "Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this."

"So? Don't do that."

You want to get into S-M, but you can't get behind being hurt or dominated. Well, OK, not everyone enjoys getting pushed around – have you considered the possibility that you are simply a top? Or perhaps you'd like to try something S-M-ish but bearing no conceivable resemblance to getting one's childhood ass whupped: Japanese rope bondage, for instance, or mind-control scenes.

On second thought, nah. You say that nothing about S-M turns you on one little bit. So why bother? If it's really just because it's "quite popular these days," let it go. Take up snowboarding. A childhood like yours seems a perfectly good reason to steer well clear of anything resembling corporal punishment. Admittedly, there are plenty of players who work around their bad childhoods or even use them as fantasy fodder, but they do it because it's hot for them. They don't do it because it's trendy (I can only hope) or as some sort of cockamamy therapy (although one hears of that), but because it's hot. If it leaves you cold, for heaven's sake leave it alone.

Love,
Andrea