DEAR ANDREA: I've been seeing this guy for almost a year. It's long-distance. I do most of the planning – I go to meet him; he's come to see me once. Also, he's never given me oral sex. When I finally asked him why not, he said, "You have the worst-smelling pussy I have ever encountered." And then he added, "Granted, I have not been with that many women."

He's been with three other women. One, if not all, used douches. I think he doesn't like the smell of women and clearly isn't a giver, if you look at his behavior. I'm totally devastated, humiliated, mortified. I went to a gyno immediately. She said I was normal, that she has smelled bad and I am not bad smelling. What now? His defense was "Well, I was just being honest," which is true, I guess, but I'm not sure what to do now.

Love,
Hurt but Normal

Dear Normal: Do nothing. Nothing, anyway, beyond a simple "Thanks, but no thanks" the next time he deigns to contact you. You may not yet have recovered enough self-esteem and basic common sense to say "Good riddance," but that's what I'm here for. Good grief, woman. Good riddance. What a prat.

I could now spend the rest of my column railing against prissy/fastidious user guys like him, but I won't, and you know why? Because you really did walk into this one. If I'm too nice to you, maybe you'll do it again. I'm sorry you're hurt, but I'd be a lot sorrier to hear that you went back to him or anyone like him after this.

You were with a guy so passive you had to do all the planning. You visited him at his convenience , and at the expense of your own, and got tepid sex. That would be self-punishment enough without the devastating insult and half-assed nonapology. And then you spent your own time and money on a doctor's appointment you didn't even need. Bad planning.

Sometimes I despair of my gender, I swear. And then I remember the letters I get from doormat guys with termagant girlfriends and I despair of everyone.

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea: I met this fantastic girl, and at first it was nonstop orgasms. Then I introduced her to my friends, and we all went out together, but in the car and at the club she let loose with loud, smelly farts. Not once, but at least a dozen times. She laughed and scolded me for my look of disbelief. My friends laughed, but I could tell they thought I had a dyspeptic psycho on my hands. I was so shocked I could hardly speak, but I asked if she was having a problem, and she said it was just the lunch she'd eaten. I couldn't stay with her after that and haven't called her. Do you think that was her way of dumping me? If so, it worked. I still don't know what to think, though.

Love,

Stunned

Dear Stunned: If she went out of her way to engineer this way of breaking up with you, then she really is something of a psycho and you did well to run. She didn't, though. Of course she didn't; don't be a yutz. She liked you just fine. Right now she's probably sitting by the phone, waiting and wondering. "Why won't he call? What did I do wroooooong?" You broke her heart, man. Cold. Very cold.

I dislike anything fart-related myself. I don't think fart jokes are funny. In fact, I'd go so far as to declare that they aren't funny and be done with it. In this, however, I am clearly outnumbered. Your former friend, for instance, is one of the Fart People. Where she comes from (tell me, so I can be sure not to go there), farting loudly in public is funny. And that's OK.

Some local customs are better than others; some are just plain evil. There are those times when you have to take a stand: "I understand that your people do this, but it's wrong! Not OK! No slavery. No infibulation. No child soldiers taught to cut people's hands off. No, no, no." This is not one of them. She didn't sin against humanity. She farted.

You owe this girl a nice clear explanation over coffee in a (well-ventilated) public place. Maybe she'll be mortified and apologize profusely, in which case you can go right back to the nonstop orgasms. Probably not, though. She'd probably never really get it. If you'd stayed with her, someday she'd pull her "musical fruit" routine in front of your grandparents and you'd have to kill her. If you're not going to stay with her, you can afford to cut her a break.

Love,
Andrea