DEAR ANDREA: My husband and I have a good sex life, at least I think so. But I'm pregnant with our second child. We don't have sex all the time like we used to, and I think it's because I'm not the same. He keeps getting frustrated at the fact that he always has to be on top, because it hurts otherwise. I know he understands, but I'm not as attractive as I used to be either. I'm so insecure I keep thinking he might be cheating on me.

Is there any way that I can turn my husband on by being attractive, and is there any way that I can please him without having to go through pain in the process?

Love,

World O' Hurt

Dear Hurt:

I get the feeling I'm supposed to say, "Well, darn those men for preferring their wives' slim, pert-breasted, pre-pregnant bodies! Can't they see the Goddess within, all burgeoning and busting out all over and stuff?" But that would be wrong. In an ideal world people would always be attracted to their partners, no matter what changes those partners might go through, but – looked outside recently? Does this look like an ideal world to you?

Some people have a type, and there isn't a damned thing they can do about it. This is considered admirable when the person's type happens to be "real bodies," say, women with smallish breasts and wide hips, or the standard-size, non-Ah-nuld-type male physique. It's less likely to garner praise when a guy admits preferring Victoria's Secret models to normal women. Then he's a pig, albeit a pig with lots of company. And lots of people are more attracted to the person they married than to the saggier, balder, or bulgier version of same sure to emerge over the years. Is your husband exactly the same stud you married? Nice people try to hold off on the harsh remarks, but we can't help resisting change. And pregnancy, well, that's one heck of a change. Not everyone wants to plow an earth momma.

A friend of mine, blond, busty, and girl-next-door adorable on a bad day, took to pregnancy as though born to it, which come to think of it, I guess she was. She looked and (for the most part) felt terrific, but she was still pregnant, a complicated, ambivalent business at the best of times. One day, out of the blue, she startled her honestly-still-attracted husband by suddenly bursting into helpless tears. What was wrong? "I don't want to just be attractive to men who want people to think of them as the kind of men who are attracted to pregnant women," she wailed. "I want to be attractive just for meeeeeeeee!" Ah. OK, honey, whatever you say. And she's one of the sane ones. Imagine what less self-assured pregnant ladies must go through on their off days. Oh, wait, you don't have to.

We human females don't like to admit being big sloshy bags of highly unstable hormones, but we are, and never more so than when in the process of perpetuating the race. Men have their own such issues, of course, but women have just about had it with being asked, "Are you on the rag, dear?" or told that we don't really feel that way, it's just the hormones talking. Sometimes, though, it's simply true. In your case, I see two different phenomena working together to make you miserable: 1) Your hormones, perhaps exacerbating some more general tendency toward the high-strung and insecure, are telling you that you're ugly now and your husband must be cheating on you because, well, who wouldn't? And 2) Your husband needs to quit his bitching.

I'm willing to bet that he's nowhere near as dissatisfied with your current body as you are, or as you think he is. You've been through this together before, and he's still there, isn't he? And unless he's telling you that you must put up with pain in order to please him, he isn't any sort of monster, just a guy who isn't getting it exactly his way and who ought to shut up about it until you're done birthin' babies.

You can be attractive by doing the same stuff you did before: get a nice haircut, exercise, put on something that makes you feel pretty. Do what you both like in bed with the exception of the stuff that hurts and don't apologize. He can't really want you on top if it hurts – that would make him an asshole. You didn't marry an asshole, did you? Finally, you can't wish away your new, hard-earned body. Well, you can, but you know how it goes when people get their wishes granted – not well. KAZAAM! Your kids were never born. SHAZOOM! Your husband never existed, or you never met. You don't want that.

Love,
Andrea