DEAR ANDREA: Do animals experience orgasm? And if so, which have the best ones?

Love,
Wondering

Dear Wonder: Although many do seem to enjoy sex, birds, fishes, and invertebrates are not like us; it would seem impossible to draw any direct comparisons between what they're feeling and what we might feel in a similar situation. Had anything up your cloaca lately? How's your ovipositor hangin'?

Mammals, however, have familiar genitals, behaviors, and drives; many appear to have sex just for fun. It's safe to say some have orgasms (and there's research to support this) but not safe to hazard a guess as to how those orgasms feel or how the mammals feel about them. Ask them. If any of them has anything interesting to say, let me know, OK?

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I have a sexual liking for houseflies. In the summertime I go into fields waiting for flies. I find it a turn-on. Sometimes I buy maggots so they turn into flies. I let them in my bed at night; I let them walk on my legs and penis. I also let them walk on my face and sometimes into my mouth. I don't feel guilty; I just like to talk about it. Do you know any phone numbers so I can talk to people about it?

Love,
Creepy-Crawler

Dear Creepy: God, no! Please. There aren't any phone numbers.

I was just about to claim that there isn't anyone else like you on the planet, when I remembered the emergency room physician who used to pass on choice tidbits from the front lines. He said there was a young woman he'd treated who enjoyed the sensation of insects creeping about in there. She presented with a massive infection (duh), and that's the last we hear about her. I doubt that particular girl was the type to go around forming insect-fancy support groups, but things are different now. If you really want to meet your fellow fans of the segmented body plan, get yourself a Web site. If they're out there, they'll come crawling.

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea: I have a very horny dog. He is trying to hump everything in sight, and I want to give the poor guy some relief. I have seen his cock, and it makes me horny just thinking about it. I know that a dog is naturally attracted to female humans and will fuck them without having to be trained. But I alas am biologically male. I want to know how to service him and if I can get him to fuck me.

Love,
Rover Lover

Dear Rover: You don't want that. You think you do, but honestly, you don't. What you want is some dog-fucking porn and a nice wank and then to go away and be quiet.

Let me tell you about the bone. People who talk about sex with dogs are forever going on about the bone: "When guys say they have a boner it's a misnomer; there's no bone in the human penis, did you know that?" (Yes.) "But dogs actually have a bone in there, and it can be sharp and pointy!" "Really?" I'd think. "I bet it's not a real bone. I bet it's just some cartilage or something." And then, not too long ago, I finally got around to looking it up, and what do you know? Bone.

So, the dog's got a bone. It's also got a knot, a big old swelly thing, the purpose of which is to lock the bony dog dick inside its partner – lady dog or you, wherever it happens to be at the time – for the duration, which can be considerable. There's also the practice of turning around once locked in place, so that the partners end up rump-to-rump, which is normal for dogs but kind of unnatural for humans. And finally, it's a dog. If you fuck it, you'll be a dog fucker (or fuckee, whatever). Don't forget to get some cards printed up.

If you really feel the need to offer Horndog some relief, get him fixed. You could also offer manual "relief," I suppose, but haven't you ever heard the joke that goes, "Why do dogs lick their own balls?" Because they can, you dolt. He doesn't need any help from you. You can try to convince me that these fantasies of yours are all for Rover's own good, but I don't think so. You're contemplating these acts because it turns you on, not because you're so deeply concerned with the welfare of God's wee mute beasties. God's gift to dogs is other dogs. They don't need you.

Love,
Andrea