Aries (March 21-April 19)

Something needed to be said, and you said it! Be proud. Speaking your truth isn't the easiest thing in the world, but it's frequently all we've got, so you did the right thing by putting your own reality first. The next step is to look back at all your recent progress and give yourself a round of applause.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The changes you're splashing around in are not under your control. It's the universe having its way with you. What we Psychic Inspectors want to investigate is how many of these changes you're trying to manipulate. Riding the waves will keep you a happy surfer, but trying to manipulate them will drag you way down.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, you are in your element this week! Are you finger-painting a comic book memoir? Engineering a gown made of neon and glass tubing? Frankly, we don't give a crap, as we trust that a portion of your good vibes will be devoted to promoting happy and healthy relationships.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, some folks are just big downers. If your Cheerios are tasting a little salty, it's probably because someone's pissing in them, and you have every right to be pissed off about it – don't let 'em tell you you're being "sensitive." Aside from such relatively insignificant annoyances, you're all set to have a gorgeous week.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Yes, Leo, the garden is full of flowers with gorgeous aromas, but as the hair bands sing, "Every rose has its thorn." If you're not wearing your granny glasses, you're going to have a bunch of wounds marring your skin, and that's not going to help your career as a hand model. Look at real problems head-on this week.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

If we told you to climb up onto a craggy mountain peak and expose yourself to the elements until your body and mind were tenderized by the killer winds, would you do it? Probably, 'cause you'd be all alone out there, and you like that best. Your challenge this week is to have a similar experience down here in the world, with us.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

If you visualize misery, you'll attract it; so unless you're trying to form a goth social club, stop your sobbing and go take a walk in the sunshine. More homework: compile a list of self-loving retorts to hurl back at your brain next time it starts talking shit about you. If the universe hears you sweet-talking yourself, it's going to rush to put its two cents in.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

What are you trying to accomplish this week, pioneer? Maybe you're trying to get laid, or maybe you've set out to conquer the mystery of the brand-new planet just discovered in your constellation. Whatever your goals, they'll be best accomplished if you focus on diplomacy and prudence. Not so glamorous, but we know you want the results.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

There's a Buddhist notion that you should learn to enjoy life even if you're not rolling in winning Lotto tickets and being showered with adoration from some wicked-sexy love monster. It's easy to be thrilled when shit's rolling your way, but harder when you feel awkward and overwhelmed. Resist the urge to say, "Aww, screw it" this week.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Loosen up and get flaky with us. Imagine your long-term goals as a mystical river that runs beneath your bedroom. Get comfy on your floor and visualize yourself grounding down into your fantastic future. All this analyzing has got you freaking out; we simply want you to feel the righteousness of the path you're on.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

We heard an interesting thing about fear today, Aquarius. We heard that it stands for False Evidence Appearing True. We think it's fun to have quippy little acronyms in your head when you're wrestling with a bugger like this one. Your attitude controls your destiny this week, so give that fear a sharp goose and get on with it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Only you could get away with this. You're doing everything totally wrong, fumbling through life, and it's working for you. The rest of the zodiac would be wicked bitter if they knew about you getting away with all that sloppy behavior. When this grace period eventually expires, it'll be time to overhaul the way you've been interacting with others.

  Michelle Tea is an award-winning writer who is deeply enamored with the esoteric arts. Intuitive counselor Jessica Lanyadoo has been serving the Bay Area and beyond with her mind-blowingly accurate astrology and tarot readings for the past eight years.

Together they are Double Team Psychic Dream, an astrology-tarot collaboration that has been fraternizing with fate for the past five years. Call Lanyadoo for an appointment at (415) 336-8354. Write to Double Team at lovedoubleteam@hotmail.com.