Aries (March 21-April 19)

This is most certainly not the week for you to charge forward, propelled by your own self-interests. This will no doubt be a bit frustrating, being a Mars-fueled sign summed up by many a traditional astrologer as "I am." Never fear, your own personal Me Decade will return soon enough. Right now, just work on balancing what you've already got going on.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It's like night of the living dead around here, Taurus. We envision you blasting away rotting, reanimated corpses in that House of the Dead video game, or conducting a spooky exorcism, raising the dead in order to banish them away right and proper. Be sensitive to what haunts you this week; clearing out past messes will make room for grand new wishes.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You look good, Gemini, but it's the sort of beauty that's only skin deep this week. There are some old and mucky emotions resurfacing, and if you want to retain the gorgeous clarity and stunning good looks you've been impressing us with, you're going to have to deal with your unkempt inner world.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

This is not a time for dreaming too big – either in the big cruel world or your insulated interior land. A helpful hint for coasting through the storms the stars are blowing down this week is to stay planted firmly in your body. Keep it visceral, keep it physical: eat, have sex, hit your gym, or hit a pillow. Just keep your brain out of it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It's your impulse to get yourself out there in a push-up bra, a tight pair of jeans, or whatever tough or fluffy getup draws the lascivious attention you think you want this week. We ask you to perhaps don a comfy robe, top it off with some risqué slippers, and sulk around your house. Dirty talk is a crappy cover-up for how lousy you're feeling on the inside.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

To give you a bit of the practical information you enjoy, Virgo, we'll just say the dark lord Pluto is, um, sodomizing you this week. And as sodomy is no longer illegal, we think you're not in any real danger. All the careful preparation, the prudent foundation-laying you've been doing, is paying off. Keep on giving yourself what you need.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The one thing you can depend on is that you're not in the driver's seat. Don't wig out trying to figure out who is – concentrate instead on being open, loving, and nurturing, especially to yourself. You're in the midst of a classic, folkloric transformation. Think pip-squeak tiny duckling on the verge of transforming into one badass swan.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpio, you're the sign of letting go, whether it's the little letting go of a body-blasting orgasm or the major, buying-the-farm sort of letting go. So why is it you're so stubbornly holding onto something that really needs to be tossed from your life right now? If that feels like too much to consider, try looking at the cold, hard facts and plunging forward.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You've suffered some losses and been concentrating on the not so simple art of keeping it together. Give yourself a nudge this week and aim a little higher – we want to see some action. Which doesn't mean you have to stop moping and pouting and crying. We love you just the way you are, but these days that's a little sad.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This week we're taking a slow, steady, relaxed tour through your hall of vulnerabilities, Capricorn. It'll be an awkward stroll, because a lot of the stuff on the walls embarrasses you: you keep looking down and bumping into things. If you can keep your head up and your eyes open, your emotions will follow suit, and that's where the payoff is.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

At this point you're probably so burnt out from all the work you've been putting into reshaping your life that you've forgotten why you ever started such an overwhelming project. Allow us to remind you: it's so you'll have more freedom, and isn't that what every Aquarius wants?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Where's the fire, Pisces? No doubt you're tired of us, your Big Psychic Mommies, scolding you for the frantic speed you've been carrying on at. Like all mommies, we only scold you 'cause we care so much about the important, exciting changes you have to make. Dashing headlong into your outcomes is no use – things need to happen at their own pace.

  Michelle Tea is an award-winning writer who is deeply enamored with the esoteric arts. Intuitive counselor Jessica Lanyadoo has been serving the Bay Area and beyond with her mind-blowingly accurate astrology and tarot readings for the past eight years.

Together they are Double Team Psychic Dream, an astrology-tarot collaboration that has been fraternizing with fate for the past five years. Call Lanyadoo for an appointment at (415) 336-8354. Write to Double Team at lovedoubleteam@hotmail.com.