HEY, WHAT was that on the telly just now? Was it a low-flying music video or an ultralow-slung jeans ad? Is there really a difference? Turns out it was the Madonna-Missy Elliott misdemeanor of a Gap ad. Madonna is back to her bad, old honey blond self again, bounding around like a hot mama, or a MILF, on a Warner Bros. back lot, warbling an upbeat mix that morphs together ancient childe ballad "Into the Groove" and her latest wanna-be hit, "Hollywood," off the swiftly nose-diving American Life. (She probably should have called it This American Life instead – at least National Public Radio listeners would think nerd-hottie host Ira Glass is a guest, uh, DJ.)

She's looking lean and mean, with those formidable biceps and sinewy arms bespeaking much steel wool – I mean, will – and decked out in the requisite wife-beater and newsboy's cap, harking back to those slippery, halcyon tomboy days of "Papa Don't Preach." As Maddie bops down the fabulously faux street like some crazed, corduroy-clad crack ho, Missy pops out of a nearby trailer, injecting that essential street-counterculture cred the Gap can be so adept at appropriating ("Osama wore khakis!"). A few high fives later, Madonna coos, "Get into the groove!" and busts out her prize move for Missy: the tree posture from yoga class. Jive-ass asana. In response, Missy falls into a split, downward diva-style. It's a little like a scene from Bring It On.

Funny how this commercial looks better, sells better, and promotes Madge better than the original edge-happy, retro-'80s video for "Hollywood." Maybe that's because it seamlessly blends past and present, reminding us of one of Madonna's greatest pop hits as it pushes her new, maybe improved, self and work. And Missy's presence underscores the obligatory assimilation of so many hip-hop performers who have forsaken music for the duty of providing gritty urban presence to buddy parts in action films.

According to rumormongers, acting is something Elliott should probably pursue more often – she supposedly only let that sista act go so far. Apparently she refused to come out of her real-life trailer any earlier than absolutely necessary to meet her costar, despite the demands of Madame Ciccone (who got out of bed for a reported $10 million as well as a deal to distribute her upcoming children's book series through the chain). But even before that, Madonna allegedly had problems making friends and playing nice with her new employer: A source says when Madonna visited the Gap corporate offices for the first time, a receptionist announced her arrival with the snark-tastic comment "Bette Davis is here!" The offending staffer was reportedly fired as part of her deal. Mad Madge – meow!

Hamburger haven Pop culture-obsessed cult comedian Neil Hamburger is back. His latest Drag City CD, Laugh Out Lord, is out and slides through hysterically groan-worthy lines like "Why did God invent Fleetwood Mac? Because he was on PCP!" and "Why does E.T. love Reese's Pieces? Because they have the same flavor that cum does on his home planet!"

I talked to Hamburger on his cell as he wandered around Anaheim and looked for a lost puppy to raffle off at the evening's show at a pizza parlor. Business hasn't been good, despite his recent national TV debut on Jimmy Kimmel Live, a monthlong residency at the Knitting Factory in L.A., and his upcoming shows at the Hemlock Tavern Aug. 16 and the Oakland Metro Aug. 17.

In spite of his money woes, Hamburger assured me he's well stocked with canned fruit cocktails, gas cards, and storage-locker bachelor pads up and down the coast. "I had a storage locker in South San Francisco for many years, where we kept the unsold merchandise," he moans. "It's better than the alternative – a cot by the side of the road."

The hardscrabble Hamburger doesn't have a cushy job like some other (late, fossilized) comedians. "I don't have a situation like Bob Hope where people are enslaved in the military, and they have no choice but to watch. It's always fresh faces because no one comes to the show twice. But there's 260 million people in the country, so if we can get everyone in there once ...," he groans. "I just don't know why people complain about my shows. The reviews aren't good for Gigli, and they complain about me. I didn't spend $50 million preparing my material."

Heart songs Two of our hoods' finest music joints, Thee Parkside and Bottom of the Hill, will band together to help the families and survivors of the tragic July 20 accident that took the lives of three of the four members of Portland, Ore.'s Exploding Hearts. At press time, Tina and the Total Babes, Deadly Weapons, FM Knives, the Husbands, Clorox Girls, the Adam Carlson Band, and the Sermon will play the two clubs Aug. 18 at 9 p.m. Ten bucks gets you into both venues, and expected are surviving band manager Ratch Aronica and guitarist Terry Six, who will do a few Hearts songs with Deadly Weapons, which opened for E.H. at their last Hill appearance, on July 17.

The reason for the benefit? The last Exploding Hearts performance – all four songs and 11 minutes of it, as memorialized by Bay Guardian columnist John O'Neill near the club's stage – was at Thee Parkside July 18. Parkside owner Sean O'Connor says it was a gesture of good will by nice guys who had blown off a few shows at the venue in the past and wanted to do right. They had just signed with Lookout! Records that day, he explains, so they stuck around to play a few songs, eventually heading north, where singer Adam Cox, drummer Jeremy Gage, and bassist Matthew Fitzgerald were killed when their van rolled over on Interstate 5, north of Eugene, Ore. The benefit is a "natural thing to do," O'Connor told me last week. "It affected Bottom of the Hill and us. Everyone was in shock. It's just a real shame because we see bands all the time that leave and head to Seattle, and you're always making sure the driver is sober and loaded up with Red Bull and making sure they're safe." ... Eric Mueller of Intothewild Promotions is launching what he says are the first punk shows since 1985 at ye olde legendary punk haunt Mabuhay Gardens, now known as the Velvet Lounge. Mueller, who has put on shows at Club Cocodrie and organized the Holiday in the Sun Festival, plans to inaugurate the events Aug. 28 with a performance by the Generators, the Bodies, Blue Collar Special, and HollyTREE. It's just the tip of a full-blown Fab Mab revival, Mueller believes, divulging that an unrelated documentary of unreleased footage from back in the day is in the works.

New moon Border Cantina is dead – long live Border Cantina. Actually, the underground hip-hop space hasn't quite kicked off into the unknown: it recently got a makeover and a new name, says John Luna, who's owned the club for the past three years. The Luna Lounge, at 1192 Folsom St., retains some vestiges of the old days – Taco Tuesdays, for instance, and Sweet'n Lo, the club's now sole hip-hop event, on Wednesdays with rotating DJs Sake1, Kevin Armstrong, and Mr. E. "It was an underground hip-hop venue, but everything goes through cycles," Luna says. "Border Cantina did what it did, it was time to retire it, and the scene was kind of dying out."