DEAR ANDREA: I finally got my wife to humiliate me about how small my penis is, and she can get very nasty. I love it. My fantasies, however, are getting nastier and nastier, including having her deny me sex while she's having sex with other men. We fantasize about it a lot. Why do I have these thoughts about my wife wanting other men more than she wants me?

Love,
Humiliate Me

Dear Hugh: You have and enjoy those thoughts because they are humiliating. It's just that simple. Now don't ask me why being humiliated is such a turn-on. I don't know. Nobody does. So what? You're turned on by a couple of semiunusual things. Your wife is willing to accommodate you, at least as far as fantasy goes. Rejoice.

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea: I have a fetish for being teased and frustrated by women. I'm turned on by a woman who gets me worked up but steadfastly refuses to take off her pantyhose to let me enter. And I go absolutely frantic over the image of a woman holding scissors, telling me she's going to "cut it off" so I'll be frustrated forever.

Have you heard of this type of thing before? How common is it? Are there women out there with reciprocal fantasies? And finally, are there ways to safely play out this type of scene without actually losing something important?

Love,
Tease Me

Dear Tease: You know, the part of your fantasy that wigs me out has nothing to do with cutting your dick off – it's the pantyhose. Let her keep her G-string, her boxers, and her granny pants, but pantyhose? Eww. However, I realize this is my problem, not yours. So, is there a way to play this scene safely? Is that really the question you meant to ask, because if so, whoa, you may not be sharp enough to play with scissors. Of course there is; all you have to do is not hand over the scissors to someone who actually wants to cut your dick off. Simple, really. And yes, there are women who get off on this sort of scenario, but as with most kinds of top-and-bottom play, there are more bottoms than tops available. You might consider hiring someone.

I can't tell you how common your fantasy really is, as it isn't the sort of thing people admit to when anyone's listening ("and I like movies, long walks on the beach, and women who threaten to cut my dick off"), but it's far more common than you might think. People fantasize about all kinds of serious, irreparable damage, although castration and penectomy are far more popular than, say, eye-poking-out. Very few eye-poking-out fetishists out there, not to say there are none. If there are any, they are no doubt squinting suspiciously in my direction as we speak. It's OK, fellas – eye-poking-out fantasies are A-OK with me!

I've written about the voluntary castrationists before (the ones who really mean it, not the harmless goofs who fantasize about it) and had a hard time pretending to be nonjudgmental. Not that I'm actually under any obligation to be nonjudgmental, but people do seem to expect it. Too bad.

I haven't heard much about castration lately – it might be passé – but voluntary mutilation is back in the news, due to the recent release of Whole, a documentary about amputee wanna-bes. Ugh. It's not that I lack sympathy; I just don't have it in me to approve of doctors cutting off healthy body parts for no good reason at all. That's not treatment; it's mayhem. Sure, it's the individual's right to destroy his own body if he likes, but professionals don't have to help.

I've seen people worrying about the media attention and the availability of online forums where these people can so easily form feel-good pseudo-communities of strangers. Will the opportunity to gather legitimize and organize what would otherwise be a few scattered weirdos into an identity group or even a lobby? Sure. Is that bad? Well, they have every right to join up, but I'm reminded of the "pro-Ana" sites, where skeletal girls and yearning wanna-bes trade tips on starving themselves to death, complete with "menu" suggestions and bad poetry. Many anorexics report getting the bright idea to skeletize themselves from the Web or even made-for-TV movies about Karen Carpenter. Alarming indeed, but I still doubt perfectly healthy people are going to hear about people abusing their bodies in new, horrifying ways and immediately think, "Great idea! I'll get right on it."

Oops. None of this has a thing to do with you. You, go forth and fantasize with my blessings.

Love,
Andrea