DEAR ANDREA: I am a black female in a relationship with a white, younger man. I was his first sexual experience. A few months in, he told me he wanted to have a threesome with another man. He'd always wanted to try oral sex and rubbing (no intercourse) with a man. I arranged this with a former lover of mine, and later we did the same thing with another guy. My boyfriend swears he's straight. But for him to actually do and enjoy this, does it mean he's gay, bisexual? Are white men who date black women usually very open to anything sexual?

Love,
Ebony, Ivory, and Some Other Guy

Dear Eb: Not particularly, no. Unless he has informed you that he's only into you as some sort of kink (at which point I trust you'd have kicked him clear out of bed and onto the curb), he sees you as his girlfriend, not his Black Girlfriend. In any case, why would his being attracted to a black woman shed any light on his also being attracted to some white guy? I'd think that if there's anything specifically you-related in his feeling free to pursue his fantasies, it's that you, whatever your complexion, are willing to indulge them and are astonishingly good at arranging to get them indulged. I was impressed, anyway.

On the other hand, there is something to be drawn from his wanting to be in a sexual and romantic relationship with you: he is not gay. No matter how much he enjoys the threesomes, if he's still principally interested in you, he may be bi, but that's as far as it goes. So, is he bi? Well, officially, I'm not supposed to tell you. He's supposed to figure out his sexuality for himself, in his own time, and then kindly let other people know, as appropriate. It is no longer considered socially acceptable for self-appointed experts to peer down from on high and label the populace willy-nilly.

Not that I care if I'm acceptable or not. Imagine me leaning down from my cloud, waving a lofty hand, and pronouncing, "Oh, he's bi, but not in a way that's going to be a problem for you. Carry on."

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea: Of all the columnists out there, I admire you most for realistic approach and the fact that I've yet to witness you cop out with "You need to communicate your desires to get what you want."

I'm divorced from a bi woman and dating another. I have been with two women at once and really liked it. My girlfriend once told me a fantasy she had about us including a bi woman, but she later stated curtly, "Don't get a woman for me." I'm pretty sure I sensed fear and maybe bitterness. She knows about my exploits in the past and how I enjoyed them.

Her fantasy really turned me on, and I'd love to make it happen, but I fear she would be really upset if I did. I have tried to subtly bring it up, but she skirts the issue. I don't have to do this, but I'd like to have my cake and eat it too. I just don't want to risk my good relationship over it.

Love,
Waffling

Dear Waffle: You need to communicate your desires to get what you want. No, wait – on second thought, didn't your girlfriend look you straight in the face and snarl, "Don't get a woman for me"? How much clearer does communication get?

I don't know that it's fear and bitterness you saw, as much as it is an unwillingness to have her sexuality turned into your plaything. I mean, sure, she had the fantasy, but it was hers. Perhaps she'd like to act it out some day, but she doesn't want to come home some evening just wanting dinner and a Buffy rerun to find that you've installed some random bimbo between your shared sheets. She's the bi girl here. She's telling you to leave it up to her. Ignore this communication at your peril.

Love ,
Andrea