8 women
I know what you heard this summer.

By Johnny Ray Huston

THE SCENE OF the crime: a wintry mansion in rural France, where cute li'l deer sniff at snowdrifts before frolicking off into the woods. No, wait – that was a movie. This is a copycat case we're dealing with, and though not that many people have seen François Ozon's 8 Women, it's an important piece of evidence. Once again, there are eight female suspects who can't resist bursting into song. But this time the victim was found on the city streets, clutching an outdated boom box tuned to the radio. Much like the victim, the boom box's batteries were near-dead. Anonymous callers have reported hearing certain sounds – "Awww baby," "Uh oh," and "Ooh!" among them – in the vicinity around the time of the fatal skirmish. Below are the main suspects.

Lumidee Frequently spotted sitting on a stoop in humid Spanish Harlem, peeking out from behind the shoulders of rhyme recycler Fabulous and a photo op-crazed Busta Rhymes, this almost-famous young offender and potential one-hit wonder has hijacked the airwaves thanks to the summer's trendiest pop production trick – Steven "Lenky" Marsden's diwali riddim, which first crossed over in Wayne Wonder's sweet and superior "No Letting Go." But sophisticatedly syncopated hand claps aren't Lumidee's chief identifiable feature. Her modus operandi, one that's become increasingly prevalent this summer, is a vocal attack that remains off-key from start to finish. Witnesses usually report an uncontrollable urge to sing (or at least think) "Uh oh" on hearing her signature tune.

Ashanti Affiliated with an organization called Murder Inc., this suspect is usually seen oiled up from head to toe. She used to keep company with a singer-rapper who some say sounds like the Cookie Monster. Currently she runs with a pack led by the creatively monikered Chink Santana and the legally challenged Irv Gotti. Her dubious activities include a tendency to shamelessly imitate (but never duplicate) the boat-rocking beachside sensuality of just-departed Aaliyah. She's also frequently been accused of stealing wholesale from another suspect on this list (see: Mary J. Blige). Author of a book of poetry titled Foolish/Unfoolish, Ashanti is also a songwriter – a Carole King-style hit maker, in fact – and a singer/nonsinger, according to refund-policy plaintiffs.

Lil' Mo The first of two Lil' divas on this shortlist, Mo has raised a ruckus with alleged irreverent comments about the vocal talents of Christina Aguilera, as well as confirmed hilarious remarks about unnamed industry "puppets" controlled by someone who sticks a hand up their nether regions and commands, "Sing, puppet, sing!" She's not afraid of answering 50 Cent's "21 Questions," and at BET's Spring Bling concert, surrounded by models wearing bikinis made out of wigs, she demonstrated a currently unfashionable ability to maintain perfect pitch. Her underrated second album asserts that Mo is a girl next door, but an interlude ("Disturbing Phone Call") proves she's a serious threat when a cheating man looks at her with "that stupid face." The summer's strongest single makes it clear she wants her love to last "4Ever" – even if the rapper who plays her groom seems more concerned with his dick size than her diamond ring.

Monica Monica has been through plenty since the video for "The Boy Is Mine," in which she (to quote writer Allison Stewart) "resembled a particularly beautiful praying mantis eyeing poor, moon-faced Brandy as if she were an appetizer." She's witnessed the suicide of a former boyfriend and the incarceration of a more recent one, so her life isn't slick pop fodder. But slick pop is what she's decided to serve up on her third album, After the Storm, "U Should Have Known Better" 's visiting-hour scenario aside. Monica's mystery-lady persona may invoke suspicion, but in this shameless era she can't be blamed for maintaining a cool distance. The video for "So Gone" reaffirms that she has no rival where throwing shade at the camera (or throwing expensive objets d'art at windows) is concerned, and the song itself – thanks to a crushed-velvet alto lead vocal, a Whispers sample, and sinuous Missy-Tweet harmonies – is "4Ever" 's closest summer-pop rival.

Mya She claims her love is like ... wo. Her tap-dancing in that jingle's video is, like, stolen from her cameo in Chicago. Multitasking is a savvy move by anyone who possesses Mya's vocal talents. After Mariah Carey gave listeners a Charmbracelet last year, Mya bequeaths us a Moodring: both albums have been hawked on MTV and VH1's satellite-station versions of the Home Shopping Network.

Lil' Kim Some might claim this potential defendant shouldn't be on the list, but attempts at R. Kelly-style singing on La Bella Mafia's "This Is a Warning" qualify her: undeniable evidence that she doesn't need a pointy steel object to draw blood from people's ears, they're either symptoms of delusion or a bad sense of humor. The lack of a proper mic check for her BET Awards performance provides her with one criminal motive. 50 Cent's decision not to lend a "Magic Stick" at that show, though he's since performed with Blige at this year's MTV Video Music Awards (on a song he didn't even record with Blige), provides another. Has Kim heard Blige's new song about former friends? No answer yet, but XXL readers know one thing: at the moment, Foxy Brown's interviews are better than Kim's rhymes.

Beyoncé The Chi-Lites charge of Beyoncé's "Crazy in Love" chorus still qualifies as one of this season's highlights. However, her album's front and back cover pics capture her in the act of a common misdemeanor: Aaliyah imitation. Her other standout track, "Me, Myself and I" (aren't those the members of Destiny's Child?), cancels out the dreadful diwali duet with inescapable Sean Paul, if not the "Butterfly Kisses"-like love song to her manager daddy. Regardless, Jay-Z's Bonnie can keep counting the money. Is she "Crazy in Love," "Dangerously in Love," or both?

Mary J. Blige The something-about-Mary in 2003 is whether she's returned to save hip-hop soul or bury it. For many listeners, "Love at 1st Sight" wasn't love at first sound, but – initially, at least – an inferior "4Ever" that makes Lumidee sound pitch-perfect. Thankfully, her Love and Life album just might nurse the victim back to the terms in its title. It's not quite the cohesive flip side to My Life's masterpiece of misery, but its best tracks still possess gut-bucket soulfulness ("Ooh!"). Wedding snake-rattles to earthquake beats, her duet with 50 Cent exposes all other rap-and-R&B collabs as flyweight efforts, and elsewhere ("Friends," "Feel Like Makin Love") she rivals Patti and Aretha in their roof-raising primes. The making-of-album DVD doesn't scrimp on interesting Puff-vs.-Mary studio arguments that reveal the strengths and weaknesses of both parties, and practically the only white person whose face isn't digitally scrambled is Liza Minnelli.

The final verdict: no one is innocent, and perhaps Mya and Lil' Kim should be sentenced to potty-mouthed roles in the sequel to Freddy vs. Jason. But thanks to Lil' Mo and Blige, summer pop's hip-hop soul is still alive, and thus able to hold on for another few weeks, until Erykah Badu arrives with a nuclear shroom-size 'fro. Uh oh.