Aries (March 21-April 19)

OK, brainiac, don't even try to get ahold of the swarm of killer ideas that are buzzing around your head. You're quite infested, Aries, and we think this mass of excited thoughts may have even convinced you that your heart is ready, finally, for something new. We couldn't be happier for you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, your ride is free this week: no gas, grass, or ass is required, there is no toll at the gate, all drinks are on the house. You may – we can't believe we're saying this – rock out with your cock out. Why the celebration? Why the good fortune? The stars are just so frickin' happy that you're you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Hmm, Gemini. We ask you: What are you holding onto? What are you trying to build toward? And we suspect your answer is: how the hell should I know? But all brattiness aside, you know what we're getting at. Something's got to give, and the more freely you release it, the more graceful your future.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer. We are going to say this very clearly. We are going to enunciate every word; we are going to speak very slowly. We hope that you follow our verbal example when talking with those you care about this week. The clearer you are in what you say, the more exciting risks you'll be freed up to take.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You know those parts in, like, the television show Dynasty, Leo? When something totally crazy and bizarre and crappy happens, but then the character realizes it was all just a bad dream? That's not what happens in real life. Expect to be stronger by the end of the week.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgo, your week calls for 10 parts personal strength, 10 parts emotional presence. Sprinkle with a dash of dynamic energy, and please tip a splash of prudence from that big jug you keep atop your refrigerator. Now slooooow roast the sucker, and don't bite off more than you can chew.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It's no big whoop, Libra, but we think you could probably use a minute alone to sort out your feelings. Clearly there's some stuff that needs to be let go of, but the nice thing this week is, you already know that. We're just here to light a fire under that lazy, Venusian ass of yours.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The choices you need to make are oh so real, Scorpio. The good news: you're so open these days, and your emotions are stable and pure. Use this pleasant week to make some decisions that are reflective of how far you've come – and how much reserve strength you've got to take you even farther.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Who's behind the wheel, here? We do believe it's you, Sag! And it's so great to see you in charge of your own energies. Looks like some of that excellent boundary work you did last week is leaking into your present moment. Keep calling your shots, with firmness and love.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Yeah, you've got to be open to vulnerability, Capricorn – yours and everyone else's. It's also a good idea for you to seek out some peace in your environment. But that doesn't mean you get to control the people or the places around you, 'kay? Keep an eye on your conservatism this week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The best way for you to handle yourself this week is to be flexible, Aquarius. Maybe do a lot of stretching, take a yoga class, and huff a lot of deep breaths when your plans suddenly change or people start acting screwy. Try conserving energy, too, lest you feel a tad drained by the end of the week.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

We know, dear Pisces, that your gut, your inner voice, your goddamned intuition is pushing you toward stability. And oh, how we know the tempting siren song of the safe bet! But please, do life itself a favor and try out a brand-new possibility this week. You see things clearly enough to take a risk.

  Michelle Tea is an award-winning writer who is deeply enamored with the esoteric arts. Intuitive counselor Jessica Lanyadoo has been serving the Bay Area and beyond with her mind-blowingly accurate astrology and tarot readings for the past eight years.

Together they are Double Team Psychic Dream, an astrology-tarot collaboration that has been fraternizing with fate for the past five years. Call Lanyadoo for an appointment at (415) 336-8354. Write to Double Team at lovedoubleteam@hotmail.com.