DESPITE THE FAR -off rumble of a grudging grunge revival, we're still doing the Cabbage Patch, pushing up our jacket sleeves, and getting our '80s groove on.

Anytime now, I'm expecting a full-blown Smiths revival, bursting through the clouds like the sun shining out of our behinds. Over at Bottom of the Hill last week, Junior Senior were mainlining '80s-era B-52's, pounding out the Scandesigned party sound; everyone was loving it, including the pint-sized Junior who yelped, "My pants are so sticky – it's great!" Meanwhile, Great White, who quickly went from forgettable to infamous in a flash last winter, are likely to be cutting through town (presumably sans flamethrowers) on their Station Family Fund Tour, while early-MTV fixtures Martha Davis and the Motels are bunking down at the GQ Lounge opening at the North Beach's DragonBar Sept. 10.

And who could avoid the music event – make that the news event – of the past month: the diva baton-passin' and spit-swappin' of '80s-icon Madonna and '90s-ditzoid Britney Spears. No tongues tied there.

The really irksome aspect of that smooch was that Maddie, like Liz Phair, feels the need to suck up to a lesser talent. True, neither lady's latest album is her finest, but why bother aligning one's formerly bad self with status-quo fluffers like Britney and Avril? If we remember correctly, Madonna and Exile in Guyville caught on in ways that went beyond leched-out older guys and teen glossies, and Britney doesn't do much more than promote the urge for boob jobs.

So it was refreshing to check in on another high-'80s artifact, REM – who were in town Sept. 6 playing the KFOG Summer Picnic and taking requests from fans in honor of their Greatest Hits CD (Warner Bros.), ka-ching!, due in early October – and realize that, yep, they wrote some great songs, which sound swell 20 years later.

On the phone the previous week, 44-year-old bass player Mike Mills dodged questions about his favorites, though he conceded that he never gets tired of playing "Man on the Moon" and "Losing My Religion" and that the band were rediscovering the charms of Fables of the Reconstruction and Life's Rich Pageant. "It's sort of like seeing old friends that you haven't seen in a few years," he said.

REM's next studio album is coming together and expected next year, but it's too early to tell, he said, exactly what it'll sound like. He describes the songs as diverse, with some "slow, beautiful" tunes and other "oddly psychedelic" ones.

The first single off Greatest Hits, "Bad Day," does, however, mark a move toward political songwriting, Mills offered. "I think the fact that we're all so pissed off right now is certainly finding its way into some of the lyrics," he explained. "I'm personally sick of being lied to by these assholes in the White House – as are we all – and we felt we had to say something about it."

With or without you Speaking of slurping in the '80s, former Madonna "gal pal" Sandra Bernhard is also back. The bold and brassy sassy lassie with the unflappable 'tude and rapidly flapping lips will settle into the Brava Theater Sept. 16-21. Here is the woman who bested The King of Comedy and established a foothold for all of us quirky chicks with a love-hate relationship with pop culture.

These days, Bernhard told me on the phone from NYC, her cabaret show of chat and song includes standards by Nina Simone, Dusty Springfield, Joni Mitchell, and, yep, Heart. "It addresses all my usual concerns," she said matter-of-factly, sounding like a grounded mother of a five-year-old girl. "What's going on in the world, pop culture, music, and politics and the kind of general landscape of mediocrity."

Like any enterprising comedienne, she's been writing a cable series for herself. What really gets her goat is the competition: reality television. And, of course, old fave MTV and older cousin VH1, though the music channels still love her. "They're constantly asking me to come on and do stupid shows, the '1,000 Sexiest Videos.' If they actually paid me, I'd be rich. You just show up and do these things for free," she said.

Still, I have a hard time believing a pop-cult maniac like Bernhard doesn't enjoy anything on TV these days. What about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?

"I've lived Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," she said contemptuously. "When you hang out with Isaac Mizrahi and [Vogue editor at large] Andre Leon Talley, all this kind of crap pales in comparison. Is this really taking it to another level? Five fags running around acting like fools and making over some poor shmendrick. I don't see that as being innovative. When I see a real relationship with two gay people and what really goes on, then...."

Pop shots Wanna jump the Gravy Train? The winsome wild things are looking for a fifth member and a new dancer – and it could be you. Tryouts happen Sept. 20 in Oakland, and applicants are asked to bring a short tape of music and to "dress inappropriately!" E-mail gimmegravytrain@aol.com.... Speaking of bumping and grinding, burger-style, Sacramento's skank-electro duo Sexy Prison promise a hamburger-eating contest at every show in their current tour, so chow down for a $5 gift certificate to T.G.I. Friday's at Arrow Bar, S.F., Sept. 18.... AudioFarm Productions ushers in a weekly glam rock-metal soiree on Thursdays, beginning Sept. 18, at Avalon Ballroom, while south of Market, Lucifer's Hammer is rumored to be moving from the Curve Bar to the Cat Club.... Oakland's Portlite is on again for live music with a new booker, Big Steve. Monotype perform Sept. 19.... S.F. indie pop band m.headphone play their "Farewell for Now, San Fran" show Sept. 11 at Cafe du Nord; the combo plan to relocate to the East Coast at the end of the month, thanks to the outta-hand response they received there last spring.... Last but definitely not least, there were no fajitas in sniffing distance, but a gross miscarriage of justice was allegedly in full swing Aug. 8 when Coach Whips wiseacre John Dwyer was carted off to jail. Sources say the Bay Area music maven was arrested at a house party featuring Trin-Tran after he slammed the door on police officers who reportedly entered without permission during an initial visit. Could this be the garage rock-gate we've been dreading?