By Simon Sheppard

MORE THAN 800 species of kinky people reside in the Bay Area. This is a daunting number for the beginning kink-watcher, who may merely be trying to identify a newcomer at a sex party. But rest easy: no one has seen all these pervs. Many are found only in specialized habitats, and some are extremely rare.

Remember to read this field guide at home before actually going in search of kink. Leaf through it often to become familiar with the wonderful variety of perverts who hang out on America Online or who call the Bay Area home.

The Red-Rumped Spankee

Asscheekus rosaciate

Field marks An abuse-craving species of the genus Masochistus. Can often be spotted in an on-all-fours rump-presenting posture, or its frequent over-the-knee (OTK) variant. May often be found in the vicinity of shiny hairbrushes, riding crops, wooden paddles, and the like. Mating rituals involve protracted squirming and loud noises. Pairings between two Spankees tend to be unsuccessful; often mates with the Vicious Paddler instead.

Similar species Closely resembles the Eager Flogging-Bottom, but distinguished by the restriction of red marks to the rump, rather than the entire back. Some crossbreeding between the two has been noted.

Voice An endlessly repeated call resembling Daddy-I've-been-bad, sometimes followed by sobbing sounds.

Range Widely distributed among all areas and orientations. Often seen desperately hunting in search of suitably sadistic mates.

Habitat Suburban variant often found in monogamous pairings, usually with little public display. In urban environments, can be spotted at nonvanilla sex parties and leather goods stores.

The Common Slave

Submissivus omnipresentus

Field marks Appearance varies widely but can often be distinguished by its kneeling posture and opulent displays of servility. Distinguishing marks may include a black collar and tattoos. Superficially resembles the True Submissive, which is widely believed to be extinct (but there are unconfirmed sightings on ranch land in northern California and in wealthier sections of Los Angeles).

Similar species Behaviorally, the complementary opposite of the Supposed Master, with which it frequently enjoys a symbiotic (if delusional) relationship.

Voice An insistent, pleading call of Me-Sir, Me-Sir, Me.

Range Found dispersed through all populations, particularly those where absence of true slavery makes its eroticization a more appealing notion.

Habitat Though it can be found in social groupings and orgies, the Common Slave is generally competitive for attention. Roams widely but often leaves traces in the classified ad sections of adult newspapers and in Internet alt.sex newsgroups.

The Western Exhibitionist

Denudus publicus

Field marks Marked by a partial or total absence of clothing, generally with concomitant signs of sexual rut. Unlike species with elaborate bodily camouflage or status-gaining displays of designer-label "plumage," the Exhibitionist stands erectly unadorned for all to see. Migrant Exhibitionists summering in San Francisco often exhibit shivering and blue-tinged flesh.

Similar species A local variant, the Sullied Flasher, demonstrates more darting, furtive behavior. The female Exhibitionist is often confused in the field with the Thongwearing Bimbo. See also: the male Waggler.

Voice Generally communicates through bodily postures, including courtship displays that efficiently attract the Begoggled Voyeur.

Range Chiefly seen in the postpuritan Western world; in places where nudity is a cultural norm, the Exhibitionist's behavior would seem maladaptive at best.

Habitat Apocryphally found near school playgrounds, though verifiable spottings are more likely to be made at Mardi Gras; Cancún, Mexico, during spring break; and at queer pride parades.

The Pierced Tit

Needeluss needlepointus

Field marks Easy to spot from afar, due to the gleam of metal in unlikely places. Two major subspecies: The Bodmod Tit displays rings, disks, and other chunks of surgical steel in various bodily sites, notably the breast and genital areas. The Playpierced Tit displays hypodermic points placed ritually, though temporarily, through its flesh, sometimes in great profusion. (Many individuals exhibit both sets of traits.)

Similar species The rarer Flying Fleshhook seems to "float" by means of suspension via large hooks stuck in the body. See also: the Well-Adorned Tattooee.

Voice The Playpierced Tit emits a sharp ow! followed by a long sigh.

Range Originally found chiefly in South Asia and Micronesia, the Pierced Tit has rapidly found a foothold throughout the Western world.

Habitat In the United States, originally confined mainly to urban centers with large, self-consciously bohemian enclaves. Now widely dispersed to malls, skateboard parks, and music videos.

The Greater Dildo

Sextoyus majorus

Field marks Member of the genus Aperturus, known for its insertion of large objects into one (male) or two (female) of its bodily orifices. Dominant females often possess "strap-on harnesses." A subspecies, Sextoyus vibratus, emits a buzzing sound during arousal and uses up batteries at an alarming rate.

Similar species The Big Anal Fistee, largely found among gay male populations, emits a distinct Crisco-like odor. Among all-female groupings, see the Insertive Butchdyke.

Voice Ohyeah ohyeah ohyeah, in tones ranging from a mutter to a scream.

Range Once mostly limited to gay and lesbian communities, now increasingly found in heterosexual strongholds, including what seems to be a totally new species, the Boyfriendus bendoverus.

Habitat Males are likely to be found in the proximity of slings, females at the counter of Good Vibrations.

The Splay-Footed Socksucker

Footslavus droolingus

Field marks Often spotted assuming a kneeling or prone posture, the Socksucker is typically attracted both to footwear and the feet inside, ranging from mild clothing fetishism to outright foot worship. Besides sucking, common behaviors include licking, stroking, and the rubbing of footwear or feet over the genital area. Some individuals show particular attraction to specific socks, such as bulky white athletic, lacy, or over-the-knee dress versions.

Similar species Many behavioral similarities with the Crestfallen Jocksniffer (see below). Among hetero males, see also the Voracious Spikeheel-Seeker.

Voice Inchoate slurping and snuffling sounds.

Range Found everywhere people have feet. For reasons yet to be scientifically established, male Socksuckers seem to greatly outnumber female ones.

Habitat Frequently found in shoe stores, where they may, if lucky, be employed as clerks.

The Crestfallen Jocksniffer

Crotchsmellyx miserabilis

Field marks Difficult to spot, as many individuals exhibit behavior patterns only in private. Largely gay males, Jocksniffers exhibit longing worship of conventional masculinity, though some seem more focused on the athletic supporter than on the (presumed) athlete who wore it. Often, soiled and/or smelly jockstraps are the most highly prized.

Similar species Many, including the hetero male Devoted pantysniffer and the often-gay-male Twisted raunchfan. As with the Socksucker (above), female specimens are relatively rare.

Voice As noise invites discovery, generally silent. In consensual scenes, loud inhaling sounds, followed by an appreciative Mmmmmm.

Range Approximately the same as that of other submissive clothing fetishists, though more often found in gymnasiums or employed by sports franchises.

Habitat Laundry hampers, locker rooms, and roommates' closets.

The Yellowbellied Diaperboy

Pervertus infantilus

Field marks An adult form noted for impersonations of infantile behavior, displays that seem risible to some and intensely arousing to others. In conspicuous form, takes on the clothing and paraphernalia of the very young, sometimes coupled with ritual urination. Not to be confused with the Pink-Cheeked Jailbait, and Diaperboy's playmates are not in any way similar to Pedophilis actualus.

Similar species Females generally are not true Diaperboys, but may be (very similar) Faux Little Schoolgirls. All related species are frequently attacked by the Preying Ashcroft.

Voice A plaintive, barely articulate Da-da or Ma-ma, depending.

Range Found widely, at least in potential form, but often heavily camouflaged due to societal disapproval, even among other members of the genus Pervertus.

Habitat Very large playpens, the adult incontinence aisle at Walgreens.

The Varied Chubbychaser

Pursuanta obesix

Field marks Appearance varies greatly; only common identifying factor is mating behaviors directed toward those with above-average body weight, sometimes the truly obese. The Chubbychaser can be of any size, though one gay male variant, the Flannel-Fronted Bear (Ursus ursus ursus), tends to be of above-standard waist size himself and to seek mates of the same species.

Similar species The heterosexual male Immense-Boob Lover (Projugus tremendicus) hones in on mammaries of tremendous size (with self-evident psychosocial overtones). See also: the closely related Big-Booty Bumper.

Voice A trilling Hey-big-boy or Yo-big-mama.

Range Most likely to be found in ecosystems where overconsumption of food is common; some anthropologists posit that the increasing weight of the average American will, perforce, make the United States a nation of Chubbychasers.

Habitat Rochester Big and Tall, all-you-can-eat buffets, lurking outside meetings of Overeaters Anonymous.

The Howling Ticklefan

Ticklee hystericus

Field marks A difficult species to spot, as typical identifying behaviors – bare feet, squirming, a penchant for being firmly tied up and erotically tickle-tortured – are rarely displayed in the field. Despite sporadic use of the feather as an insignia, the Howling Ticklefan is more likely to be run across by accident than successfully sought out.

Similar species Bears some resemblance to others of the genus Masochistus, many of whom regrettably look down on the Ticklefan as a mere wanker. This is decidedly not so; the Incessant Meatbeater is a true wanker.

Voice Hysterical laughter, gasping for breath.

Range Gay men, as usual ahead of the kink curve, hold a national tickle-torture convention. It must at this point be assumed that lesbians, bi, and het Ticklefans are widely dispersed thorough an unsuspecting populace.

Habitat Largely unknown, perhaps goose-down comforter factories and suburban comedy clubs.

WARNING Should you unexpectedly run across a member of one of the above species in either a sexual or nonerotic setting, do not disturb or molest it. Place your hand down the front of your pants and continue to breathe normally. No perverts were harmed in the writing of this guide.

Simon Sheppard's next book, Kinkorama: Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion, will be published by Alyson Books in December. He's at www.simonsheppard.com.