WE WAS ROBBED. Actually, we were just deprived of the dubious joy of seeing someone punished – severely and humiliatingly – onstage, in front of friends and fans, at the Sept. 13 Fingerbeatz throwdown at the Hemlock Tavern. That was the "prize" promised as Hemlock booker and Mr. Evil and Resineators member Anthony Bedard, a.k.a. Tony B., tried to shut down Nate Denver of Total Shutdown and Nate Denver's Neck.

For all those unfamiliar with the inventory at Radio Shack, Fingerbeatz are those very special sensors, with a built-in drum machine, that you attach to your fingers, perfect for your weekend thumb-twiddler, pinkie punk, and restless percussionist.

The quick competition wrap-up: Tony B., who drums in the Resineators and was clearly the more skilled Fingerbeatz master, pulled out all the stops, as well as an effects pedal, for the multiple-round event, which featured live drum and bass accompaniment. But Denver came up from behind and won hearts and minds with his behind-the-back tapping and pop-locking, body-rocking moves, topped off with a spin on a table on the stage.

The competition got heated, with audience-voting applause in each round evenly divided between Bedard and Denver. Looking frustrated by the fact that his Fingerbeatz were accidentally pulled out from his amp a couple times, Denver broke down and resorted to attacking Bedard, and then the mic, with giant green Hulk hands. It all came to a head in a final freestyling bout, when, to cries of "Slim Shady, Slim Shady," the T.S. vocalist rolled out some touching rhymes about staying up late, reading comics, watching comedy, going to sleep at 11 in the morning and growing up in Arizona and getting so hot that he couldn't get a boner. Bedard responded with a rap of his own, but somehow Denver pulled off the win, through sheer chutzpah and dogged fan applause. Yet what really threw everyone for a loop at the end, even after Denver got more cheers than jeers, was when MC and drummer Chris closed the evening by calling it a draw and declaring that no punishment would be meted out.

All parties were befuddled by the results. "Nate and I and all of our respective peeps each think we won," Bedard later wrote in an e-mail. "I had him beatzed in a few categories no doubt, but Nate definitely pulled off some top-shelf moves. But that Hulk hand was whack! If I'd known he wuz gonna bust that out, I woulda had my Wolverine klaws ready to rumble."

For his part, Denver chalked up his blasted yet victorious Fingerbeatz forays to general "witchery." "I don't know why I thought I could use the Fingerbeatz to serve my needs," he wrote in an e-mail. "Anthony did lose and he will be punished with intense financial wealth." Later, on the phone, Denver told me he broke out the rap for fear of losing. "I prefer people not to be punished. I prefer people not be cross with me," he said. Both he and Bedard put the kibosh on an earlier idea of a strip-Fingerbeatz battle with the loser of each round removing an item of clothing. "That would have been majorly gross," Denver mused.

So hey, what gives? Now, I'm not necessarily into gladiatorial hip-hop spectacles, and I am a big booster of Tony B., but was punishment going to be delivered only if Denver was trounced? Fair's fair in feats of Radio Shack gangsta derring-do, otherwise no one will be able to get down with the results of the Bay Guardian's first Hip-Hop Ironman Triathalon – only multitasking rappers, b-boys, and Fingerbeatz heads need apply.

Giving them 'Static' Two-year-old "urban hip-hop culture" cable-access TV show Distortion 2 Static has gotten the bump up to WB20, starting Oct. 4. KBWB picked up the show by former video production students at San Francisco State University. The only drawback is that it has to gather its own advertising, coproducer Phil Chua said. Otherwise, the crew has been getting a lot of production help from the station and has received the OK for about a dozen episodes. Chua hopes the show will give a much-needed boost to the community and capture the street culture that falls between the cracks. "We feel like hip-hop in the Bay Area isn't respected," he said.