Aries (March 21-April 19)

If an opportunity comes your way this week, Aries, reach out and snatch it with your grimy little paws! The reason it's likely to bring you nothing but excellent goodness is that you've already built up the resources – external and internal – to facilitate your next big success.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The mythical forbidden-fruit eater Eve in that big book of fairy tales known as the Bible? Legend has it she was a Taurus. And she's a good role model for you this week. It is perhaps your instinct to cling to your little cliff of predictability, but the rewards are greater if you dive off and eat the apple.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If you take a look around, fair Gemini, you will notice you're in a pretty good place. What's brought you here is emotional presence – and don't you forget it. As you continue skipping along your path to happiness, try slowing it down to a sashay so you can really take it all in.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, we've heard reports that you think we're mean to you! Well, we think you're sensitive to us! Can't you see the gleam of love in our eyes when we say "Quit whining"? I guess not. Stupid newsprint! Anyway, your whining undermines your deep capabilities. Just let go of what you need to let go of.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

We're not going to play with you, Leo: this week's a struggle. You want to know what, why, and how? Take a minute to breathe and take stock of your resources. Your attempts to figure it all out will likely result in mind-numbing overanalyzation. It's just life – plunge back into it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

'Member when it seemed like nothing was going to work out, and you felt like you had no control of your life? Well, Virgo, like a scantily clad lady popping out of a birthday cake, Lady Clarity has burst forth from your own bad mood, bringing with her the sweet illusion of control. We love when she does that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

If the cup always looks half empty to you, Libra, you're always going to be stuck with a half-empty cup. There's a serious connection between your expectations of life and the life you wind up with. Take responsibility for your more negative perspectives and see if your cup ain't suddenly running over.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Whoa, Scorpio, we spy with our little eyes ... drama. A whole lot of it. In your sphere. So many planets having a giant bash in your sign isn't going to help calm things down, either. If you can manage to be both emotionally present and emotionally detached enough to see it all clearly, you're a genius.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your life is hard to figure out, Sagittarius. Here you are, in some sort of shitty situation that baffles the people around you, and you manage to be gliding toward a deeper sense of self, in spite of – because of? – it all. You're sparkly with hope, even as it all crumbles down around you. Incredible.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

By the end of the week you'll be back to your old Capricorn pace, slow and steady. But before you relax, you're going to have to survive a couple phenomenally exciting – and for a Cap, terrifying – roller coasters. Try to remember they're exactly the rides you've been working toward riding.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your life this week, Aquarius, is like Friendster, only off the frickin' computer and out here in the real world. Every person you meet, every connection you make, yields 90 more friends and connections! Make sure you're only meeting the folks you really want to meet, 'cause this looks like a lot of people.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The two forces duking it out in your psyche are a deep melancholy and a hot desire. It doesn't look like either the sadness or the, um, horniness, are your true homes right now, so let's hope they wear each other out. This week try being where you are, without rushing to relieve pain or pursue pleasure.

Michelle Tea is an award-winning writer who is deeply enamored with the esoteric arts. Intuitive counselor Jessica Lanyadoo has been serving the Bay Area and beyond with her mind-blowingly accurate astrology and tarot readings for the past eight years.

Together they are Double Team Psychic Dream, an astrology-tarot collaboration that has been fraternizing with fate for the past five years. Call Lanyadoo for an appointment at (415) 336-8354. Write to Double Team at lovedoubleteam@hotmail.com.