I WANT TO interview the tiger that zapped Roy Horn. But the feline's attorney says he is not talking to the press. So instead of doing investigative reporting, I'm simply joining the ranks of Americans who forgo international vacations for the pleasures of pastimes closer to home.

Taking a dose of world-trotter methadone, I booked a few days at Las Vegas's Best Western Tuscany Suites and Casino. Las Vegas is experiencing a renaissance. Gone are the child-friendly theme parks, silent are the roller coasters: Las Vegas is Sin City again.

I was desolate when Las Vegas dressed down. The hordes tossing a few bucks into nickel slots between buffets and taking the kids for a ride on the merry-go-round were modern Visigoths. I wanted decadence, obscenely huge shrimps, shiny naked people. Thank Dionysus, they're back.

Perky Linda with corkscrew curls and clad in a girlie tuxedo is from Las Vegas Transportation (1-800-621-1535). She meets me at the baggage claim. Soon she's piloting a satisfyingly Rat Pack-ish limousine toward the Tuscany (1-877-887-2261, room rates from $49 to $149 depending on date and promotional offers).

The Tuscany is two blocks off the Strip, a mental ward populated by aliens from multiple universes clad in their cultural uniforms of slut drag, polyester pants, or I-haven't-left-this-slot-machine-for-three-days wrinkled clothing. Sensory overload to the max.

When I hit the front desk, the staff are Stepford-wife eager to serve, in contrast to the rumored hauteur of staff at the megaresorts.

While the Tuscany's 27-acre site doesn't look like a Tuscan village, it does manage a masquerade of a Mediterranean resort. Wandering the exquisitely landscaped grounds, I think the sea is just around the next corner. It looks like a deadly gorgeous place where pretty people rise around noon to top off their tans and sip a carafe of wine with pasta. Those who want to stay pretty can use the resort's lap pool and enormous gym or catch a quick massage.

If you're disinclined to travel trans-Atlantic due to phobias, you'll enjoy the stroll while contemplating the safety features on offer. The resort has the only all-digital security system in Nevada: not only does it scan the casino for card counters, but it also catches purse snatchers or scumbags who help themselves to other people's slot winnings. Further thrills for phobics: the highest rooms on the property are only three stories off the ground. Thinking of a megaresort? Consider this when booking your 90th-floor love nest: fire department ladders only reach as far as the 8th floor.

If you've brought or acquired a partner for mattress dancing, the rooms at the Tuscany are perfect. Each 600-square-foot suite has a cushy sofa, overstuffed chair, and small dinette. The vacant floor space dwarves the king-size bed. The rooms win the Official Kinky Traveler's Award for space most conducive to a three-way by virtue of space, soundproofing, sturdiness of furnishings, and ideal bathroom arrangements. Score 10 points for Vegas: the bathroom houses a separate tub and enclosed shower, beating the standard Italian hotel soak-your-panties-on-the-towel-rack arrangement of open shower with a drain in the bathroom floor.

Yeah. It's a casino, too. Blackjack, roulette, craps, slots – all the usual suspects. Although the casino is just different enough to comment on: The aisles are so wide that that no one bumps you while you ride your hunches. And, unlike at the majority of casinos, you can actually see out the window, thus discovering that most-guarded of gambling information: is it night or day? Live entertainment ranges from boys in shorts beating each other (boxing) to music. The nice folks from Best Western explained hotel-think to me. Most hotels think of a "capture" rate. If you stay overnight, you may be part of the 40 percent they hope to capture for breakfast at their facility. In Vegas they are looking at containment. They want you to get everything your little heart desires at their resort. To that end, they offer a casino, sports betting, a 24-hour restaurant, a fine-dining restaurant, a variety of bars, several live entertainment venues, and a gambling pit staffed with eye candy in bikinis. Unlike some gaming hells that assume you're an addict, the staff here actually explain how you can go about losing money for entertainment purposes. The resort has a player's club card that earns points based on casino time, so you can get something back for your cash along the lines of a meal discount or other privilege.

If you can't be contained, the concierge arranges bookings to any show in town and the doorman magically makes a taxi appear.

The on-site Palazzo Restaurant serves the second-best lasagna I've ever eaten. The best was in a back street café in Florence. An inveterate people-watcher can drift between the casino bars and the quieter Piazzo Lounge staring and eavesdropping. Most of the conversations I eavesdropped mentioned either ex-wives or the great cleverness and unusual luck that brought the speaker to this resort.