Aries (March 21-April 19)

Crap, Aries, that's a lot of lousy feelings you're contending with this week. We absolutely don't think you should just sit on them and hope they'll go away. Act out a little – you've got our blessing. Work the bad vibes out in a head-on, hands-on sort of way. Just don't hurt anyone.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

OK, we hate to say this, Taurus, but your point of view this week isn't working. It's based on fear and scarcity, so it's totally invalid. Please stop freaking yourself out with the details and try to trust in a grander picture of your life. Conservative perspectives are not the most prudent right now.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

There's a whole party of people percolating all around you this week, Gemini, and it's confusing your sensitive energies. At the same time it's also a beautiful moment for you to straighten out your karma with other people. We say engage in some righteous communication, even if you're confused.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

We're proud of you, Cancer! By cutting back on the amount of time you put into certain endeavors, you've affirmed how precious your time really is and how some of it needs to be reserved for lavishing on yourself. This week remember that you can't manage the world, only yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

This week can serve as a glorious island retreat from the hectic and hard work you've been swamped with lately. We urge you to tap into a big source of joy without trying to hold on to the moment or person – and without any concern for what the future may bring. No strings is the way to go.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Thank frigging Christ, you're finally in the position to initiate some serious changes. We're talking hardcore get in there and fuck shit up, no more sitting around and waiting impatiently for things to start turning around! The changes will be uncomfortable at first, but you're on the right track.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

What a special week, Libra. Things have developed so that you're in a position to have beautiful fresh starts in all your intimate relationships. It's like you're hitting the refresh button on your online browser or something. It's the end of a phase and the beginning of a new sort of you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You need more joy and tenderness in your life, Scorpio. We want to see you in hot pursuit of these ecstatic and gentle concepts, even if you have to take wild emotional risks to snag them. Well, actually, you have no choice: giant emotional gambles must be taken to win the joy, and the joy must be won.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You've got to make sure your feet are planted on the ground this week, Sag. It's crucial. If they're stuck there solidly in the dirt and grass, we say fuck yeah, take that crazy leap of faith. But if your feet are distractedly playing footsie with someone else's, or playing kickball or flailing in the air, we say plant 'em before you jump.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There's a really big abundance front moving into your region, Capricorn, drizzling deep friendships and assorted intimate relationships guaranteed to make you feel wealthy. The only thing is, something needs to be completely destroyed in order for you to access the love. Go find a sledgehammer.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

OK, last week you were overstimulated, and this week you're officially freaking out. It's like you're scared that you're losing your mind or that you incorrectly perceived reality and now everything's ruined. Let this storm pass – it will – and do not make any decisions. That's an order.

Pisces (Feb. 19--March 20)