DEAR ANDREA: About the woman who can't come during intercourse, you said, "Look at it this way: she could have been born with no legs or with some degenerative neurological disease. She could be healthy but unable to come at all (certainly rare but possible). Instead she was born perfectly normal, with a perfectly common female complaint."

Excuse me!? Did you really just say that? I happen to be a woman with a degenerative neurological disease. Of course you have a right to whatever private fears you have about disability – I've got 'em, too – but I don't support such careless generalizations in print. My life, which includes my body and sexuality, is already disparaged enough by the general population, thanks much. I generally find you to be extraordinarily accepting (and sometimes amusingly snarky) of the wide and funky differences between people. More important, has any single concept done more damage to the psyche (and libido) than "perfectly normal"?

Can you even begin to imagine what women with physical disabilities confront in regard to appearance? The good news is that some of us have so much experience at being "abnormal" that we just flip the bird at the insecurities nondisabled women have and just enjoy our bodies the way they are.

You'd never have suggested that another physical condition, such as being African American, was abnormal or a dreadful fate. You'd say it's a minority identity.

A woman with a disability is a member of a minority group. Disability is a political identity. And (sigh) we even have really good sex! I know, it's just so frickin' inspiring that we do it.

Love,
Don't Label Me

Dear Label: I did say it, and I'd say it again. Then you could write in again and ... I quite enjoyed your letter. I was prepared to hate you as soon as you started going PC on my ass, but I can't get too snarky at people who can construct a decent sentence. Not, of course, that I agree with you or wouldn't enjoy a good knock-down-drag-out fight with you, degenerative neurological disease or not.

Here's the thing: You're not normal. Gasp! How can I say that? What am I, some kind of Nazi?

Nah. I'm just a person who uses words to mean what they're supposed to mean, not what I want them to mean. Normal, in this particular context, can mean either "like most other people" or "not pathological," but it cannot be forced against its will to mean "acceptable" or "has a right to exist and be respected." Is it acceptable to be disabled? Obviously. Do you have a "right" to be disabled, and all the same rights to life, liberty, and the rest of it as the rest of us? Damned straight. Does that mean there's no difference between having a degenerative neurological disease and not having one? Maybe in your universe. Not in this one.

Not coming during intercourse is "normal" in that nearly all women will find themselves in that situation at some point, and for more than half of us at least, it's the standard state, neither uncommon nor indicative of any sort of pathology. Do most women have a degenerative neurological disease? Of course not, unless you count losing neurons as we age, and I don't.

I cast no stigma. I merely told the couple to count their blessings; life could be worse. I don't find it inspiring that you have sex, and good sex at that, any more than I find it adorable when "spry" old ladies act horny or ride motorcycles. I'm not about to pat you on the head for being so spunky, fear not. Neither am I easily manipulated into feeling white, middle-class, first world, or able-bodied guilt. I'll fight ya. I mean, come on – disability no different from ethnicity? Not even a tiny bit? Are you kidding?

I have a much-beloved family member with a very serious, if nondegenerative, neurological condition and, man! Every single thing she does is about fifty times harder for her than it is for other kids. She's a normal person, but her condition is abnormal – way abnormal – and she would be the first to agree. Give anyone who loves her a magic wand and – shazaam! – you better believe she'd be normal and the politics of oppression be damned. Do you, as an activist or an individual, really not see the difference between respecting someone the way she is and wishing life could be easier for her? You may think that's principled, but I think it's cruel.

And finally, why bother composing a letter of protest in the first place? Why don't you just flip me the bird already?

Love,
Andrea

Note I know, I know. Sexy stuff will be back next week. Sometimes I've got something else on my mind; don't you?