BENEATH MONTREAL PROPER lie 18 miles of corridor, a network connecting subterranean megamalls and chain eateries, the pulsing veins of that ever pumping heart: consumerism. The ambience is Muzak, and the same 15 stores appear over and over – fear not the terrors of choice. You enter this shopping mausoleum, symbolically perhaps, beneath the Cathédrale Christ Church on Rue Ste. Catherine. Montrealers call it the ville souterraine, and you could pass a whole winter day there in climate-controlled bliss.

The gastronomically inclined tourist does better sorting out the complexities of the Montreal bagel, which lauds crustiness over density, confounding "lightness" with bagel virtuosity. They're baked in wood-burning ovens, the finest of which are rumored to come from St. Viateur Bagel Shop (263 Rue St. Viateur West; 514-276-8055), a.k.a. La Maison du Bagel. The only Canadian delicacy fluffier is Celine Dion.

Of all the native dishes here, poutine alone has the verve to woo American hearts and bowels. A veritable cardiac siren song, it consists of french fries doused with beef gravy and cheese curds. It's readily available throughout Montreal (try Chez Clo, 3199 Ontario St. East; 514-522-5348) and comes in a few varieties: one with ground hamburger, another with pineapple, and yet a third with traditional smoked meat. The bittersweet sensation of hearing your arteries crackle can be bought for as little as $3.50 Canadian.

Even if you've stooped low (too much poutine and too little Quebecois hash, say), American tourists must hold their heads high. Our history with Montreal is a proud one, dating back to prohibition, when inebriates sought refuge in the fair city, bringing with them their penchant for gambling, brothels, and the mob. The shadow of this tipplers' exodus is reflected in the strip clubs that dot the city streets to this day. (The red-light district is between Boulevard de Maisonneuve and Rue Ste. Catherine.) Montreal is Canada's quasi-sin city, and the American dollar goes further there than in its home. Revel in a cut-rate peep show and save the receipt – you can always redeem the sales tax, if not the memories, at the border. As one local said, "Montreal is sex shops and shoe stores." Indeed, the strippers we saw were well heeled, though a little flat-footed.

The most dignified place to walk off a hangover is a museum, preferably the Musée d'Art Contemporain, found in the Place des Arts. Museum guides flow in and out of English as easily as poutine eaters flow in and out of nausea, scolding only when you approach the Picassos too quickly.

More shocking than the cold weather are the warm locals who hold open doors, consider hellos and good-byes de rigueur, and can be found at the bottom of a pitcher of Molson. The tundra is all smiles. One taxi driver refused a tip, and then refused the full fare, insisting that he be shorted $2. We of but little capital and less shame, complied. On financial principal, however, taxis are to be avoided. Montreal is a walkable town, and the metro, when not on strike, has it charms. Invest in a lisière – a strip of six discounted subway tickets, if you seek pecuniary padding.

As far as city districts go, stick to the downtown area: the Quartier Latin, the Plateau, Little Italy, and Chinatown. There you may observe the unhindered French Canadian, our next-door neighbor who couldn't be further away. Stand back. Observe his natural environment. Do not feed him, nor take his picture. Do not stray into Vieux Montreal, a district largely romanticized as quaint, Old World, and whimsical. It is all of these things and one more: touristic. Souvenirs championing maple leaves, hockey, native Inuits, and brown bears materialize in alien forms: shot glasses, sweatshirts, temporary tattoos. Tourists scramble to purchase these items, and we look down our fanny packs at them. You don't need a nose to smell a sucker.

Abigail Goldman is a writer who lives in New York and a former Bay Guardian poutine slinger.

If you go

Bring your passport. Depending on your citizenship, you may need a visa. Go to www.usembassycanada.gov for info.

A number of major airlines provide service to Montreal. Departing from San Francisco, American carriers (Continental, US Airways, American, United) currently charge from $300 to $400, round trip.