DEAR ANDREA: My wife recently went on a girls' night out with
friends. She was gone until about 2 a.m. I wasn't too worried, but when
I hadn't heard from her I tried calling and was startled by a male voice
and laughter. Then the line went dead and I couldn't call back.
She returned sauced to the gills and fell asleep immediately. Later
we talked, and she started to cry. They had all gone to a male strip
club, and she went out in the parking lot with one of the dancers and
"played around." "Played around?" I asked. She admitted
she had given him a blow job but nothing else. I felt shocked, jealous,
intrigued, and turned on. She has since been very attentive and apologetic.
I kind of feel like she is "mercy fucking" me, but I'm not
complaining. In fact, it seems to have had a positive effect. So far
I don't feel like I am suppressing anger that will surface later, except
some jealousy over letting him climax in her mouth. We have never done
that (not that I encourage it, necessarily). It seems like such an intimate
thing to do with a stranger and not with your regular partner.
I didn't really have a question when I began typing this, but maybe
you can think of one for me.
Love, White Swallow
Dear Swallow: I have to think of a question to ask myself? Isn't
that your job? It's OK; I can think of several, but don't get mad at
me if I can't read your mind or I put words in your mouth. It's better
than putting things in your wife's mouth, isn't it?
It seems to me that underneath all the details about what your wife
put in her mouth and what she's done or not done since is one of those
"Am I normal?" questions that keep popping up around here.
Are you normal for not being particularly jealous your wife went down
on a Chippendale? And what about the being a little turned on part,
is that normal?
Yes and yes. While many people see jealousy as a metric for measuring
affection (if you really loved her, you'd have punched that Chippendale
right in his Man-Tanned kisser), it ain't necessarily so. Most mammals
are pretty territorial, it's true, but some humans just seem to be missing
the "mine, all mine!" gene and are still perfectly able to
love and love well. Some but not all of these people are also liable
to be turned on by the idea of their beloved doing something or other
with somebody else. Even more common is a volatile mixture of jealousy
and turn-on, which can be extremely hot for folks right up to the point
where it all blows up. Then it's just messy.
If you're not suppressing anger over the blow job or resentment
over the mercy-fucking, you don't have to worry about later explosions.
It's perfectly possible you feel what you think you feel and no more.
I would have to agree with you that letting someone come in your
mouth is on the intimate side, as acts go. Of course, there are legions
of people who do exactly that on a regular basis with complete strangers,
with nary a word exchanged, let alone a name or a handshake. They're
all guys, though. For a married woman to do it in a parking lot with
a dancing boy while never affording her husband the same privilege would
seem to mean something; I'm just not sure what. You did mention you'd
"never encouraged it," though. Why the hell not? I'm willing
to bet Dancing Boy did, which might go a long way toward explaining
why he got it and you don't.
Love, Andrea
Dear Andrea: I found some explicit sex pictures of my boyfriend and
a woman he cheated with a year ago. I am sick to my stomach. This seems
worse than the actual cheating. I don't know if I can get over this.
Am I overreacting?
Love, Freaked Out
Dear Freak: Probably, but I always think people are overreacting.
I find myself hoping there just happens to be a newspaper visible
in those pictures, or some other way of dating them. If you know for
sure the pictures, like the cheating itself, are a good year old, then
it's pretty obvious what to do next. You tell him you found them, you
express a certain amount of disgust that he held on to the icky things
this long, you let him apologize abjectly, and you let it go unless
or until you have reason to believe he's still cheating. On the other
hand, if you have a "no cheating or else" sort of relationship
and he is still cheating, you wad up the pictures, insert them forcefully
in whichever of his orifices is handy, and you leave.
