Presenting the 2003 Off-Guard Awards
Our annual tribute to the dumbest, the worst, and the silliest of the year past.

By Linda Ehrlich and Tim Redmond

EVERY TIME WE hear someone say the words "Governor Schwarzenegger," we start to gag. It can't really be true, can it? Governor Schwarzenegger? But there he is, the Gropinator, live onstage, telling us he's stopped investigating himself, but not to worry: he won't cut dog food for blind people.

As the message on Sup. Tom Ammiano's answering machine Jan. 2 noted, "2003. That was a reality show."

Indeed it was: Arnold is the new governor. Gavin Newsom is the new mayor. We've survived Fajitagate, Willie Brown's last hurrah, Angela Alioto's political meltdown, and the return of Rush Limbaugh.

And up in Rockville a bunch of people have been showing up at a farm where crop circles were found and lying down on the ground with their heads wrapped in aluminum foil. We have to say, they've got the right idea.

And in that spirit, we present the Off-Guard Awards, our annual tribute to all the reasons we're very, very glad to have seen the last episode of the year that was.

San Francisco's finest

Too bad he didn't decide to clean house at the airport – the mayor might have run out of insults

After Sup. Chris Daly used his one-day tenure as acting mayor to appoint two competent and qualified people to the San Francisco Public Utilities Commission, Mayor Willie Brown compared him to a stalker, a suicide bomber, and Osama bin Laden.

Well, maybe he wouldn't have entirely run out of insults

Brown began referring to the five-foot, five-inch Sup. Aaron Peskin as "Hank," a reference to the angry dwarf on the Howard Stern radio show.

And he's pretty good at threats too

In the heat of an argument over business taxes, Brown told Peskin, "You don't know what a motherfucking killer I am," and Peskin called the police, saying he wasn't afraid of the mayor personally but "he does have his share of friends who are thugs."

After all these years, the mayor acknowledges the secret to his success

At a farewell breakfast for supporters, Brown described his philosophy for winning elections: "You have to lie to them, deceive them, do whatever is necessary to convince them they ought to vote for you. And where you don't know the facts, you make them up."

So the boys get in a fight now and then. What do you think they are, peace officers?

After three off-duty San Francisco police officers, including the acting chief's son, pummeled two men going home from a Union Street bar in a fight over a bag of fajitas, Brown announced it was no big deal, just a case of "mutual combat."

And where exactly do you put your fajitas, Captain?

Mission Station captain Greg Corrales told reporters it was "ludicrous" to think three cops would have started a fight over a bag of fajitas. "Police shouldn't get in fights. But if they do, you know, it is over a woman. I mean, not that they want to take somebody's fajitas. First off, they don't know where that food has been."

Just put that photo right in the shredder and we can all pretend none of it ever happened

Superior Court Judge Kay Tsenin declared then-police chief Earl Sanders "factually innocent" of conspiring to cover up the Fajitagate beatings and ordered his mug shot destroyed.

Aside from all his terrible problems, he's really a pretty good guy

After attacking him repeatedly, sending out a mailer saying he evicted an old woman, blasting his plans for homelessness, and warning he would badly damage San Francisco and should never be in the city's top job, Angela Alioto held a press conference and endorsed Gavin Newsom for mayor.

Geez, don't make us get all warm and fuzzy, gov

In one of his first press conferences on the state budget, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would "not cut dog food for blind people."

Quiet, Warren – if I'd wanted the truth, I'd have beat it out of you

Schwarzenegger asked investor Warren Buffett to help him with economic planning, until Buffet suggested amending Proposition 13, at which point Schwarzenegger commented that Buffett should never mention that tax measure again "or I'll make him do 500 sit-ups."

And you wonder where Willie Brown and Aaron Peskin learn such civilized political behavior

From a debate in the House Ways and Means Committee on pension reform:

Rep. Pete Stark (D-Fremont): [The proposals] eloquence overwhelms me, Mr. Chairman, just like your intellect does.

Rep. Scott McInnes (R-Colorado): Shut up.

Stark: Oh, you think you are big enough to make me. You little wimp. I said come over here and make me. I dare you. You are a little fruitcake. I said you are a fruitcake.

Your tax dollars at work

At the grand opening of the Hooters restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf, four on-duty San Francisco firefighter crews from three firehouses showed up. A few weeks later, after a stink bomb went off in front of Hooters, three San Francisco police squad cars immediately responded. "I called the police asking for advice, and they insisted on sending someone out," the Hooters general manager said.

Vote yes

A measure on the November ballot in Bolinas included the following statement of policy:

"Vote for Bolinas to be a socially acknowledged nature-loving town because to like to drink the water out of the lakes to eat the blueberries to like the bears is not hatred to hotels and motorboats. Dakar. Temporary and way to save like, skunks and foxes (airplanes to go over the ocean) and make it beautiful."

Finally, the perfect campaign slogan

Larry Flynt announced he was running for governor as a "smut peddler who cares."

Unfortunately, this particular dunking went on a little bit too long

Attorneys for a man accused of murder for throwing a fellow partyer off the deck of a boat in San Francisco Bay after a quarrel over a woman said his client never intended to kill the fellow passenger: "We never said the man deserved to die. But he deserved to get wet. He deserved his dunking."

The world at war

Nuke 'em all and let God sort 'em out

Pat Robertson said the State Department should be blown up with a nuclear device.

As Hunter S. Thompson would say, forget the LSD, look what it's done to that poor bastard

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responded to a question about the lack of a direct link between Baghdad and terrorist groups by saying, "Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know, but there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know."

There are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know

A spokesperson for Prince Charles issued a statement denying a rumor that may have been about the prince's sex life, although the spokesperson refused even to say what the rumor was that he was denying. "I just want to make it entirely clear, that even though I can't refer to the specifics of the allegation, it is entirely untrue."

Can't Willie Brown or Pete Stark go teach this guy how to come up with some real insults?

According to a new book by David Frum titled The Right Man, George W. Bush often refers to environmentalists as "green, green lima beans."

Gee, it couldn't have been the fact that you killed your wife that was keeping you up nights, could it?

O.J. Simpson said in a Playboy interview that marijuana had helped him cope with his insomnia in the aftermath of his murder trial: "When I got out of jail, I kind of appreciated pot more than I ever had in my life."

And which 'talent,' exactly, would you be protecting?

Fox News tried to block publication of humorist Al Franken's book, claiming the subtitle, A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, violated the broadcasters' trademark. "We don't care if it's Al Franken, Al Lewis [who played Grampa on the Munsters], or 'Weird Al' Yankovic, we're here to protect our trademark and our talent."

Another one from the really mature club

Talk show host Michael Savage told a gay caller, "You're one of the sodomites. You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You've got nothing to do today; go eat a sausage and choke on it."

I'm sorry, you pig. You piece of garbage

Savage later apologized, saying his remarks weren't aimed at people with AIDS: "I meant to insult him personally, not all people with AIDS."

Do we all get to listen in when he puts himself to death?

Rush Limbaugh, who has viciously attacked drug users on the air and argued that dealers should get the death penalty, admitted he gave his maid cigar boxes of cash to pay for OxyContin.

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop

Good to know he's not wasting his time between all those bombing raids

A Sonoma County man accused of setting off bombs at Chiron and Shaklee Corps. to protest animal experimentation was also working to create a vegan marshmallow.

The Hannibal Lecter act sure will damage a guy's reputation

After the death of Jean-Bédel Bokassa, a Central African despot known for executing school children and eating his political enemies, Bokassa's son announced that "he was a builder. Unfortunately, the negative acts tarnished his image."

Forget the alcohol, look what it's done to that poor bastard

A man who says he legally changed his named from Bob Kraft to Jack Ass to raise awareness of the dangers of drunk driving sued MTV's parent company, Viacom, claiming the network's Jackass program "sullies his good name."

The beasts, unfortunately, had other ideas about utopian harmony

A man who wanted to "create a utopia" and prove humans and animals could live together in harmony kept a lion, an alligator, and a Bengalese Siberian tiger in his Harlem housing project apartment until he was evicted for nonpayment of rent and left, limping from tiger bites.

On the other hand, if there are a lot of people around, it could get a little ugly, because nobody wants to listen to that shit

A group of transcendental mediation aficionados placed a measure on the Denver ballot that would mandate that the city "ensure public safety by increasing peacefulness." One of the backers insisted that playing sitar music in public buildings could decrease stress, even if there's nobody there to hear it.

Poor guy – after a big day chopping up a dead body and swimming in blood, we'd need a chicken sandwich and a Band-Aid too

A man who had butchered his 71-year-old neighbor's body with a bow saw and dumped the remains in Texas's Galveston Bay was acquitted of murder after he said the killing was accidental and he'd acted in self-defense. The killer, John Durst, a New York multimillionaire, admitted he was "swimming in blood" after the dismemberment. He had fled to Galveston after authorities reopened an investigation into his first wife's disappearance; for a while he disguised himself as a mute woman, but gave that up, he later said, because he hated the wig he wore. He was ultimately arrested on shoplifting charges after he took a chicken salad sandwich, a newspaper, and a Band-Aid from a supermarket.

The thrill of making pruno has worn off, and it's time to move on to more ambitious pursuits

Ted Kaczynski, the convicted Unabomber, asked the U.S. District Court in Sacramento to return his bomb-making materials.

Then to step into high gear, there's flossing your teeth, pouring beer into a glass, and yelling at telemarketers

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a list of low-intensity exercises that would be a "step in the right direction" for sedentary people. On the list: making photocopies, playing video games, coloring, sitting in a whirlpool bath, floating, and purposeless wandering.

And it had two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on it. C'est bon!

Two basketball players from the Memphis Grizzlies, at an exhibition game in Paris, commented on how great the food was: "We found a McDonald's. The best Big Mac I've ever had. The bread is great over here."

Hey, I'm Miss Ross – nobody asks me to breathe into a bag

Diana Ross, fighting a DUI charge in Tucson, Ariz., after authorities recorded her with a blood alcohol level almost three times the legal limit, testified that she heard a "threatening tone, like a command, a demand" from the officer who asked her to take a Breathalyzer test.

Everything we know, we learned from TV

In an apparent attempt to mimic a Japanese TV game show, someone tied 150 helium balloons to a hen and set it adrift in San Francisco. The flying poultry got tangled in power lines at Broderick and Fell Streets, and a police lieutenant used a sharpshooter's pistol to pop the balloons so PG&E crews could rescue the bird.

Single white chicken seeks loving relationship. Enjoys sightseeing

The chicken rescued from the power lines wound up in an S.F. animal shelter, where staffers conducted interviews to seek an appropriate home. "This is a great chicken, a friendly chicken, a chicken that is ready for a relationship," a staffer said.

And for the grand opening, we'll call in the Coast Guard, the Air Force, and Donald Rumsfeld

The chair of the Hooters chain has started a new airline in North Carolina to take golfers to Myrtle Beach resorts.

And admission is $3 if you don't wrap your head in foil

After the discovery of a complex set of crop circles in Rockville, the wheat farmer who owns the land noted, "All of my friends say I ought to put up a fence and charge people $2 a head. But I'm enjoying this; people lying down in my wheat field and wrapping their heads in foil. It's great."

Imagine the mental fatigue of all the people who went to see Crossroads

Britney Spears described the Sundance Film Festival as "weird. The movies are weird. You actually have to think about them when you watch them."

The end is near! (Hey, watch it with that knife, buddy)

According to a story circulating among Hasidic Jews in New Square, New York, a 20-pound carp that was scheduled to be made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner suddenly started talking in Hebrew, warning of the apocalypse. The fish cutter panicked and sliced his own thumb and had to be hospitalized; the fish flopped back into its box and was butchered and sold.

Wow, heaven's made of plastic – and it's air-conditioned too

Supporters of violent anti-Israel group Hamas built a model of paradise in a school in the West Bank to demonstrate to students what awaited them if they died as suicide bombers. The model included plastic trees, goldfish swimming in a generator-powered fountain, and an air conditioner – but left out the 72 virgins that supposedly await those killed in battle with Israel; as one of the organizers noted, "we don't know what heavenly virgins look like."

Yeah, insight – like how to kill your wife and get away with it

O.J. Simpson said he might consider becoming a news commentator for actor Robert Blake's murder trial. "I think I have a lot of insight," he said.

Anarchy in the U.K. should have been the tip-off

The anti-terrorist software used by the federal government couldn't distinguish between the names Osama bin Laden and punk rocker John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon.