You seem to be from California, and I have a question about a California
guy. I'm very East Coast, and this one seems to be of a completely different
species. He's had sex (including anal sex) with 20 women, and had oral
sex with men and kissed others. He's geeky, he likes San Francisco indie
pop, he reads, he has hot thrift-store style and is great in bed, doing
things like coming on my face, which nobody has ever done with me before.
He's different and exciting but ... I'd expect a guy like this to be
hookup material and not boyfriend material. I myself am inexperienced,
so I want someone for whom it will all be as new and meaningful as it
is for me. Also, most of the bisexual men I've met have ended up gay.
Maybe you'll tell me not to stereotype, but it's only human to generalize
from experience. Should I put my generalizations aside? Because this
particular boy is from Berkeley? You have different sexual mores over
there, don't you? He has been devoted to all of these women,
he seems to respect me even though he ejaculates on my face, and he
just doesn't seem gay.
On the other hand, some days I feel like I'm just a notch in his bedpost,
and I miss the beer-drinking, football-watching, shy, slightly misogynist
East Coast guys who won't give me nearly as much oral sex but who feel
so much safer. Would you give me a little insight here?
Love,
East Coast Girls Aren't Hip
Dear Girl: I was warned when I moved out here that I'd lose 10 IQ
points for every five years I stayed in California. I can't tell you
if it's true or not – I can't count so good these days. Still,
I wouldn't say we have different sexual mores out here; I'd say a tiny
subset of highly evolved, bi-cool post-everythings have a different
set of sexual mores out here, and that even they are mostly just folks
who want to fall in love and settle in, if not down.
It's not only "only human" to generalize from experience,
it's also vital. As I often say, it's the difference between "What's
that big orange thing coming toward me in the grass?" and "Look
out! Tiger!" But neither should you allow your past experiences
to blind you to the present. A nice boy is a nice boy, whether he wears
jeans and drinks Bud with the guys or Boont Amber with you, wearing
'70s striped velvet elephant bells, a Bettie Page T-shirt, and vintage
bowling shoes.
You like him a lot, so why not give him a chance? If you're just
another notch, you'll know it. If he loves and respects you, you'll
know that too. If it works out but you still miss the beer-swilling
shy guys of your youth, go home and hang out with your cousins.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm 45, divorced, and seeing a 26-year-old woman. I never
believed in love at first sight before. At first we talked about marrying
and having kids and made love a lot, but lately she's been distant and
controlling about everything. She's bipolar but seems more stable most
of the time than most other women I have ever met. My concern is she's
just stringing me along because I buy her food and provide safe company
while she flirts and e-mails her guy friends. She claims her family
won't accept me because of our age difference. I didn't choose to fall
in love with her; it just happened. Should I stay, or should I go? How
do these relationships usually work out?
Love,
Cool It or Blow?
Dear Cool: Which relationships? The ones between older men and younger
women, or the ones between givers and takers? If she's the latter, it
doesn't matter if she's crazy or stable, young or old. Try not buying
her any dinners and not being there when she needs a safe and steady
shoulder and see what happens then.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm a confused gay man with a question: is it possible
for a gay partner to fancy another guy but not fall in love with him?
Love,
Answer Me Fast!
Dear Fast:
Yes! Is that fast enough?
Seriously, where have you been? While it is certainly possible for
a guy to fall in love with someone at something like first sight, make
sweet love to him/her, move in together, and stay together till they
hate each other, it is hardly the norm. Everyone gets crushes. I gather
you and your partner are monogamous, so you're hoping you don't have
to love or shag this new guy just because you find him attractive. Very
well. You have my permission not to love or shag him.
