DEAR ANDREA: I'm a lesbian who inexplicably seems to end up
with partners with vaginaphobia. My girlfriends have been perfectly
happy to have me go down on them, and they've been willing to do everything
but orally reciprocate. They say they just can't bring themselves to
do it, and they seem to have this idea that vaginas are messy, unhygienic,
and disgusting (including their own).
How can they enjoy me doing something to them that they find repulsive?
And how can they continue to believe that vaginas are gross, when I
so obviously enjoy theirs? I've tried to interpret it as uncertainty
about sexuality or about the relationship, but since some of these relationships
were serious and years long, this loses some force. Is it unfair to
think that if they really cared for me, they'd want to try it? Is this
a widespread problem among lesbians, especially with new-to-lesbianism
partners? And how can I encourage my partners to get over it? I've considered
the whole cutting them off until they can give back thing, but since
I really enjoy going down, I would suffer as much as they would.
Love,
Longing for 'Lingus
Dear 'Ling: No, you wouldn't, but that's OK.
I believe "How can they enjoy me doing something to them that
they find repulsive? And how can they continue to believe that vaginas
are gross, when I so obviously enjoy theirs?" are the wrong questions,
as is the one about what they might be willing to lick if they really
cared for you. If you try to solve a puzzle of the human heart (or groin)
with brute logic, you may convince yourself that you live in a world
gone mad, but you will never find the answer you seek. What's going
on with your girlfriends cannot be solved by going Vulcan on their asses.
It cannot, in fact, be solved at all. They aren't making any sort of
logical connection between the enjoyable sensation of your mouth on
their parts and the idea of putting their mouths on yours; they are
simply thinking, "Mouth, crotch ... gross!" No amount of impassioned
politicking will convince them to change their minds if it isn't their
minds but their deepest reptile brains that are having the reaction.
I certainly have known a few lesbians who were not partial to oral
sex, just as I have known gay men (lots) who recoiled at the idea of
anal intercourse. For those women, though, it wasn't so much a problem
as a statement of fact: "I don't much like going down on women."
OK, then! I'll go out with somebody else!
Sure, some people who find themselves averse to some particular
act will get over it with time and exposure. But years into a relationship
that's working perfectly well for them? I don't think so. Your problem
isn't that you have selfish, mean, or secretly straight girlfriends.
Your problem is that you're bestowing the title of girlfriend on women
who are lousy sex partners for you. The fact that they would be lousy
sex partners for the vast majority of women is someone else's problem.
It is quite possible, without being in any way cold or unappealingly
methodical about it, to audition people for the role of partner. At
the very least, do try to have sex – good, hot, mutual, satisfying
sex – with the next girl before you give her your house keys.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm dating a male who is uninterested in sex. He is into
very kinky sex but doesn't want to have regular sex. Even the
kinky acts are infrequent. I'm frustrated and want my man to want to
perform on a more regular basis.
Love,
Miss Normal Sex
Dear Normal: You have someone else's boyfriend, and she's probably
looking for him. Do consider giving him back.
Honestly. It's not that I'm antichastity or insist that everyone
should be a giant slut or anything. I don't even believe, necessarily,
that everyone must have sex before marriage or commitment, but I do
believe you should at least talk about it. Here we have lesbians who
won't go down and guys who eschew intercourse in favor of whatever it
is you mean when you say "very kinky." These are morally
neutral positions but are matters of some moment to potential partners.
So, people with unusual sexual needs or aversions, give your date a
hint, would you, so he or she knows to go screaming very far away before
falling in love with you. It's only fair.
As for you, Miss Normal, I'm sorry, but I don't see a long and happy
future for you and Mr. Seldom but Kinky. You must be as unsatisfactory
a partner for him as he is for you, and each of you is merely waiting
for the other one to say something. Be a mensch and let him (and yourself)
off the hook.
