DEAR ANDREA: How important is it for women to have the men
in their lives be submissive? I believe men desire and need to be in
submission to women and see female domination as loving female authority,
but is that what women want from men?
Love,
Worshipper
Dear 'Ship: In a word, no. Most women don't want their men groveling
around at their feet, any more than most men feel like doing the groveling.
Even people who join groveling clubs and buy special groveling equipment
rarely see the entire other gender as inherently dominant or fit for
domination – they're just playing.
You've mistaken your own fantasyland for the wide world, which won't
be a problem as long as you stay in fantasyland. Try dropping to your
knees and randomly worshiping women – your boss, say, or your sister-in-law
– and you'll be kicked in the face, and not in a good way. Stick
with women who call themselves Goddess Anna or Lady Winifred Whip-Smart,
remember that even goddesses need a day off, and you'll do fine.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: All of a sudden, my husband has this idea that I'm bisexual
at heart and it's his duty to bring it out in me. The thought of being
with a woman is horrifying to me, and I've tried over and over to explain
this to him. He insists on me describing sexual acts between me and
another woman to him while we're having sex. I've tried not doing so,
but he'll assume the job and ask me questions: "If so and so were
here, wouldn't you like to ...?" The problem is when I do this
talk, he performs better then ever. So, without bringing other women
into bed with us, how do I avoid compromising the intensity of our sex
life?
Love,
Het Girl
Dear Girl: You find the idea of sex with another woman "horrifying,"
yet you're still willing to indulge your husband, at least in fantasy?
Either you're exaggerating or you have no self-protective instincts
whatsoever. As you sound quite sane, I'm going for the former.
When you say you've tried to explain your feelings, you mean sometime
when your husband isn't already rampant and waiting for show time, right?
And he still won't let up? He goes right back to "If Gladys were
here, what would you want to do?" What happens if you say, "I'd
want to call out for pizza and watch Lifetime"?
It's rare for someone to have one kink and one kink only. Interrogate
him. Rent some porn. Download some kinky stories. Somewhere there must
be something you can both get off on. Failing that, I have only two
suggestions: (1) Trade off. Sometimes you'll agree to conjure up his
dream girl for him, sometimes you just won't, tough luck. (2) Compromise
the intensity of your sex life. Oh, there's also (3): Tell him he's
a selfish, inconsiderate asshole and refuse to play. But I'd try the
first one first.
Love, Andrea
Dear Andrea: I could be Miss Normal Sex's boyfriend ("Miss Match,"
1/28/04). I have no interest in vaginal intercourse, at least with her.
Our "parts" just don't match up very well. As for very kinky?
I think my kinks are garden variety. I like to cross-dress, which she
knew before we got involved. I'm bisexual but monogamous. I like light
bondage and a little pain. I love oral, manual, and lots of sex toys.
Vaginal or anal penetration, I'm just not interested. Am I really all
that strange? This is San Francisco after all.
Love,
Not So Kinky
Dear Notso: I fear you're overidentifying. We have no idea what
the writer's boyfriend is into, just that his kinks are too kinky for
her. It hardly matters anyway, unless you actually are Miss Normal Sex's
boyfriend. There's really no point in trying to convince her that you're
just a nice normal guy, really. I don't happen to find you particularly
weird, but I may not be the most accurate instrument by which to measure
weirdness.
If your point is that not everyone enjoys penetration, true enough.
Most people do, though, and one person's refusal to take part in what
his partner considers an essential expression of intimacy can cause
more stress than a relationship can bear. If your girlfriend doesn't
give a flying fig about penetration either, then this doesn't apply.
Got it?
As for "This is San Francisco after all," it depends on
what the meaning of is is. I may be writing and you may be reading
from San Francisco, but surely you've heard of syndication and the World
Wide Web? Miss Normal Sex may have been writing and reading from Katmandu,
or even Detroit. She wouldn't be the first.
