DEAR ANDREA: This might reveal my stupidity (or my well-informedness),
but I've heard a woman can die from being penetrated by an open-ended
object (like, say, a beer bottle). At any rate, I'm not sure what, exactly,
I remember hearing is the cause of death, but I'm pretty sure it was
something about strong suction and the uterus being pulled out of place.
Is it true? Please don't say it's true – there's nothing so great
as a spontaneous fuck with whatever's close by.
Love,
Blue Bottle
Dear Blue, You have indeed revealed your stupidity, but not in precisely
the way you predicted. Yes, an open-ended object, pumped in and out,
could create a vacuum. And yes, if you vacuum-seal something to your
cervix and then pull outward with all your might, you can wreak all
sorts of prolapse-y havoc, and although it would be unlikely to kill
you, you would certainly regret having done it.
No, your mistake isn't so much with the physics as with spatial
relations. I know females aren't supposed to be all that good at rotating
objects in our heads, but if you insist on using a bottle, why on Earth
don't you turn it around and use the other end? Do I have to come over
there and teach you not to hold a knife by the blade? Did you know you're
supposed to hit the nail with the hammer, not the other way around?
Anyway, some devices are not suitable for internal use. A heavy
(clean), flat-bottomed bottle isn't a terrible choice, but I suggest
you seed your bedroom with suitable objects and remove any hole-saws,
porcupines, and Microplane lemon-zesters first.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: Size seems to be a recurrent theme in these sex discussions,
but as far as I remember, it's only about guys' size. Reading old columns
I started wondering about female size. A penis is "big" depending
on how big or small a vagina is. As there are differences in penis size,
there must be differences in vagina size (I guess). Do you have any
info on that? Some guys claim they have 12-inch penises. Now, if the
length of a vagina is, say, seven inches, I may be a bit short, but
what is Mr. Hunk going to do with that extra five inches? Any stories
from girls? What do they do?
Love,
Inchworm
Dear Inch: Well, what are we to make of the fact that all the size
talk does indeed seem to be about penises? There may be somewhat concomitant
prestige for women in being "tight" – it's certainly
rare for a woman to revel in being "loose," at least in the
physical sense. But you still don't hear women walking round talking
about how not-big they are. About four to six inches at rest, by the
way.
The world (or the Web, whichever comes first) abounds with penis-length
statistics (most are between five-and-a-half and seven inches, OK?),
but why doesn't anyone talk about vagina length? There may be any number
of sociological reasons, but you wouldn't want to make too much of them.
The vagina has a back wall, but it's, as we say, "potential space."
It's elastic. Its topography shifts from year to year, position to position,
and from nulliparous to postpartum. Moreover, the muscles toward the
front are under the owner's control and can be relaxed or snapped shut
with considerable force. Like any other part, vaginas do come in small,
medium, large, and specialty sizes, but any given example can change
quite radically depending on what it's being asked to do.
This is not to suggest most women would eagerly accommodate the
12-inch monster in question. Very few of us, in fact, would or even
could handle such a creature, especially if it were length-width proportional.
You can see how this limitation would rarely be a problem, though, as
the average woman is as likely to encounter Enormoman as she is to meet
a centaur or a fire-breathing, treasure-hoarding dragon.
As for your apprehension that you, however you measure up, may be
a "bit short" for a seven-inch vagina, allow me to put that
worry to rest. What do you imagine is lurking back there in the shadows?
What is it that other fellows can reach that you, with all your shortcomings,
can only yearn toward? Nothing, is what. While many women long for width,
few would make a big deal about an inch or two in length one way or
the other. There's something to be said for stroke-length, to be sure,
but I would dare most women to tell the difference between six and seven
inches blindfolded.
Oh, but what was your question? If a guy is long down there and
a girl is short, what happens to the extra? Nothing. It's out in the
cold.
