DEAR ANDREA: My wife and I have had an intense sex life over
the years (although we've both had other occasional partners). Except
for a brief period in our past, she's refused anal sex, saying it's
no big thrill. We've both done it with others.
She's a heavy sleeper and generally won't wake up if I touch her in
her sleep. Eventually she wakes, and we'll have a great time. Recently,
though, she didn't, and since she was wet, I found I was penetrating
the "wrong" hole! I got so excited! This made her stir so
I moved out and didn't try again, feeling a bit guilty.
Since then I have done this again, with a growing sense of excitement.
She will stir and wake up if I thrust strongly, so I always get out
before she wakes. I also noticed that she moans and responds, but it's
like having anal sex with Sleeping Beauty.
I want to do it when she's awake, but I don't know how to tell her.
I've tried to put it back in when she wakes up but she always refuses.
How can I convince her? I just cannot say "Honey, I've been butt
fucking you in your sleep for the last five weeks and you like it; so
why don't you just relax and enjoy the ride?" Or can I?
Thank you for your patience.
Love,
Night Rider
Dear Rider: You shouldn't thank me for my patience until you're
sure I have some. I don't, much. I do have some questions about the
veracity of your story, which was very Penthouse Forum as written; I
cut out a lot of porny details just to get it down to a manageable size.
Then again, if it did really happen, I have some questions about your
judgment.
An "oopsie!" moment is one thing, Mr. Rider; consistent
nonconsensual night-pokery is quite another. I don't know why your wife
has rejected your rear advances recently while agreeing in the past
and with someone else at some nonspecified time, but she did reject
them, many times. Therefore you're not supposed to do it to her. Surely
this much is clear? And while I don't know your wife, I have met other
Earth women, and I venture to guess that an argument based on "But
you like it when you're asleep!" will not do much to advance your
cause. Rather the opposite, I'd imagine. If I were to try that approach,
I'd move all heavy, blunt, or pointy objects out of her reach first.
I'm afraid there are only two ways you can go here. You can drop
the whole thing or you can try again to persuade her while you're both
awake ("Oh please, Darling, I'd be so grateful" is OK. "I
know you really like it, why are you holding out on me?" is not).
If she says "no," take it to mean "no," not, "I'm
saying no now, but once I'm asleep you can do whatever you want."
Of course, if my initial suspicion is correct and none of this ever
happened, go ahead and imagine her saying anything you like.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: When I was a boy, I used to shine shoes and give blow
jobs. Now, finding myself without a job, I've been considering going
back to the blow job thing. Is there a market for this now, and any
suggestions on how to start and what to charge?
Love,
Shine Boy
Dear Boy: Shoe shines? Oh, really? I'm imagining you in short pants
and a newsboy's cap, cheek slightly smudged with ... something. I'm
having a hard time figuring out which century you're writing me from.
Look, let's say you really were once Blow Job Bob, the spunky hero
of a pornographic Horatio Alger story. Let's say you really did move
up from there, got a straight job, and now find yourself out of work.
I'd still have a hard time believing you're really asking me if there's
"still a market." The blow job we will have with us always,
but I'm not about to instruct you on how to set up a knob-polishing
business.
If you get caught selling, it's a misdemeanor. If I get caught coaching
and promoting you, it's a felony. That would make it a spectacularly
bad career move for me, and a just plain stupid one for you. Go work
at In-N-Out Burger, for Pete's sake.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I have a problem that is getting unbearable! My husband
wants to have sex all the time! Sometimes he just strips me down when
we're grocery shopping and goes for a quickie. We're always asked to
leave stores! I can't take it anymore! What should I do?
Love,
Sick of it
Dear Sick: For starters, you could quit trying to wind me up with
stupid fake letters. Go get a job.
