DEAR ANDREA: Sorry to belabor the open-ended-bottle-as-dildo
discussion (2/11/04), but if you just placed a condom over the opening,
it would be as safe as any other foreign body acting as a piston, right?
If not, why not?
Love,
Logical
Dear Lo: No reason. Assuming that an open-ended bottle can
cause a prolapse, covering the end of the bottle should indeed solve
the problem. I'm still wondering, though, why is this evena
question. Why not just use an actual dildo and avoid having to worry
about any of this nonsense in the first place?
Q: Can I use a carrot as a dildo?
A: Yes, but be aware that there is on record one apparent autoerotic,
carrot-related death. Maybe you should try a parsnip.
Q: Can I use a plastic shampoo bottle as a dildo?
A: Yes, but you'll want to use the closed end, check for sharp seams,
and make sure it isn't leaking any shampoo. That could be very irritating.
Q: Can I use a dead fish as a dildo?
A: I guess, but you'll want to remove the tail, fins, and gills,
and maybe the teeth. The scales might be sharp so you should probably
remove those too. Then you'll probably want to seal the whole thing
in plastic or latex and use a lot of lube.
Q: Can I use a pipe bomb as a dildo?
A: OK, but you'll want to defuse it first.
Q: Can I use a spent nuclear fuel rod as a dildo?
A: Um, maybe if you cast it in lead and then seal it in concrete,
and then ... um, you know what? No. No, you can't. Go buy a dildo.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: Can deep-throating damage your throat?
Love,
Linda
Dear Lin: Deep-throating what? Anything from the latter part of
my list, say, dead fish, a pipe bomb, a fuel rod, yes indeed. Penis?
Nope.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm 55 and having anal intercourse with my husband. Is
this safe, or should my husband use a condom? I worry about infection
or disease.
Love,
Nice Lady
Dear Lady: Poor anal sex; it gets such a bad rap. So frequently
is it charged with causing mayhem and spreading disease that people
tend to forget someone has to have a disease in order to give it to
you. If neither you nor your husband has any sort of sexually transmitted
disease, the mere act of anal intercourse will not spontaneously generate
one.
Condoms are required if somebody's been sneaking out and indulging
in mass buggery down by the docks. Otherwise, they do aid immeasurably
in the speed and efficiency of cleanup, so you may want to use them.
But as long as it's just the two of you and no outside organisms, you
don't have to.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: My boyfriend gets erections every night while sleeping.
His erection seems bigger and harder than when we're having intercourse.
Is this normal or something I should be mad at him about? It's driving
me crazy.
Love, Crazy
Dear Craze: None of this stuff – anal infections, melting sex
toys, dead-fish dildos – worries me one bit. You, though ... you're
scary. Why in the world would you be mad at him? He can't help it. Do
you think there are only so many erections to go around and he's hoarding
his and won't let you have any? Good grief. Keep up that attitude and
he won't.
