DEAR ANDREA: My wife and I go to those girl-centric dance parties where girls get to play bi and their mates get to watch. Though she's "been" with girls there in the past, this last night was just for us. We also went to an after-party and had a great time watching, and touching each other.

These events always leave me feeling conflicted. While there, I want to go "all the way" but also want to respect my partner's feelings. She likes to tease but is shy for the most part and stays chaste. My relationship is more important than anything, and I wouldn't classify my desire as a need. Nevertheless, I have a hard time being in the moment with her because my horny side is so strong. Afterward I'm a complete horndog for days just remembering what I saw, felt, and experienced. She seems to love it (both the parties and the horndog it releases in me), which is great, but I end up feeling outside myself and a little oversexed.

Should I stop going? Is there some way not to go overboard? Is public and group play just asking for trouble down the road? And lastly, what other things might we try besides drug-fueled dance parties to get the same kind of zest into our sex life?

Love,
Party Boy

Dear Boy: My immediate response was "How messy! Why do people insist on acting out these complicated scenarios when they could just stay home and play the Sims Online or something?" On second reading, though, it isn't really that messy. All you have to do is stay home one night and make some lists and graphs. Sound like fun? Now, now, it's not that bad. You're all dizzy because your various desires are dragging you in various directions. They do that. You need to figure out what's most important to you and what you need to do/can't possibly do in order to get it.

It sounds like the worst thing that happens at these hoe-downs is that you end up feeling a little dazed and overwhelmed. You get turned on in the presence of all those hot babes pawing each other, probably your wife, and possibly even you. You're confusing what it's OK to do with what it's OK to feel. So here are some possible solutions: (1) Clarify the rules, put up with the feeling of disassociation, and reclassify your slightly uncomfortable horndoggy feeling from "oversexed" to "sexed." (2) Stay home.

You're also feeling conflict over wanting to "go all the way" (you need a vocabulary upgrade, Boy) even though you'd apparently agreed to keep to yourselves for the moment and you don't want to upset your wife. So that's problem number two.

Possible solutions include (1) Do it anyway (not recommended). (2) Go but keep it zipped despite wishing you didn't have to. (3) Go but skip the after-party, where (I presume) most of the temptations occur. (4) Stay home and play the Sims Online. There's also (5) Renegotiate your arrangement to include contact with those women, or some women, anyway. It doesn't sound like your wife is interested right now, so I left that out.

I have a feeling that (3) will work out the best. For general zest-seeking, visit clubs, beaches, and so on where the girls are pretty but not so readily available. This would cut down on the immediate temptation but not necessarily on the horndoggery. Just enjoying the view and going home to act out what you didn't do in public can be surprisingly exhilarating. Or you could get yourselves a girlfriend and all stay home together. Finally, "Is public and group play just asking for trouble down the road?" No, but you had better be walking that road together or else ... potholes, or something. I hate extended metaphors.

Hey, wait a second! You snuck "drug-fueled" in there at the end, and you're complaining of feeling disassociated? I'm the last one to jump down your throat for a little recreational psychopharmacology, but if you're feeling outside yourself, you may want to reconsider piling on every sort of stimulation at once. You've got to know that's asking for, if not trouble, at least some kind of weirdness.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I'm 21 and into exhibitionism. When I get naked in public, I become erect. I can't even shower at the gym. When I'm home, it's no problem, but as soon as there's someone possibly looking, I become erect. How can I stop this?

Love,
Show Off

Dear Off: Keep your pants on and wait a few years.

Love,
Andrea

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