DEAR READERS: The question of whether it's OK to
bugger one's wife in her sleep did, predictably, attract some reader
response. And while it's sort of fun (for certain values of "fun,"
anyway) to be accused of aiding and abetting rapists, I'd rather have
irrefutable proof that people ought to listen to me if they know what's
good for them, and I got some of that too. Read on.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: Your response to Night Rider includes this: "An 'oopsie!'
moment is one thing, Mr. Rider; consistent nonconsensual night-pokery
is quite another."
Nonconsensual night-pokery is rape. Anyone even contemplating
this needs to know that this is a criminal offense.
Love,
There's Only One Way to Look at These Things: Mine
Dear Mine: Upon receiving your letter, I reread the column in question
and gave serious thought to whether I had done my correspondent, his
wife, and all humankind some grave disservice by concentrating on the
interpersonal rather than the legal ramifications of night-pokery. My
conclusion (and my editors'): "Worth considering, but nah."
Sex positivity rests on the belief that all sex is created equal
except nonconsensual sex, which is bad. Simplistic as this construct
may be, I generally go along with it. I usually add "stupid sex"
(sex that will kill you, sex with your sister, sex with your sister-in-law,
most cheating, most bestiality, sex with anyone you would be horrified
to discover in bed with you come morning ...) to the not-OK list.
The question here, though, is not whether sleep-buggery is stupid
(it's pretty stupid) or nonconsensual (it's surely that, and I said
so in the column), but whether all nonconsensual sex is rape. I've given
a good deal of thought to this question – I've had to, having put
in my time not only in the sex-ed trenches but also (way back) as a
feminist activist. The answer is no. Not all nonconsensual sex is rape,
any more than all unpleasant behavior is abuse.
Sometimes an outsider can look at an event and make the call herself
("No, changing your mind after the fact does not make your sex
partner a rapist"). Sometimes it's more complicated, and we have
to leave it up to the complainant to decide if she (or yes, he) was
sexually assaulted or just had a yucky experience. Most people have
had unpleasant sex they didn't want to have; most people haven't been
raped.
In this case, while we don't have the victim's testimony, we do
have the offender's report, below. It doesn't sound to me like the Poker's
wife thinks her husband is a rapist. It sounds like she thinks he's
an asshole.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm the supposed Liar from the "Liar's Poker"
column some weeks ago. I just wanted to tell you how it all ended up
a month before I saw your answer on the Net. You were right – I
told her about it, and we had a big fight. We haven't made love since
then. Her reaction was just like yours: "consistent nonconsensual
night-pokery" shows no respect for your partner. I did it because
I somehow was sure of a different outcome. I thought of it as a "game,"
not as an abuse.
In any case, it really happened.
Love,
Sorry Rider
Dear Rider: I guess it's pointless to say "I told you so"
if you went ahead and confessed to your wife before you read my warning,
but I'm not sure I can resist. I did tell you so. Actually, despite
Mine's contention that I am soft on rape, I told you more than that.
Far from claiming that you were showing insufficient respect by buggering
her in her sleep – do I ever sound quite that namby-pamby? –
I said it was wrong and to cut it the hell out.
I hope your wife forgives you, although I wouldn't be surprised
if it took a while.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: In regards to the "No Worries" column [about
dead fish and other terrible dildo substitutes], there is a rather atrocious
bestiality video that has been shown in a sexual variations class at
San Francisco State University that involves the use of an eel as a
dildo that is later served for dinner.
Love, Helpful Reader
Dear Reader: I have only two things to say about the eel video,
and then we will never mention it again, deal? (1) I've seen it too,
and (2) the eel was alive.
