Aries (March 21-April 19)

Damn those people and their energy! That's your kryptonite this week: the insidious influence of other folks' vibes, be they good, bad, or whatevs. Don't take on the energies of those around you. And, while we're doling out tasks, please differentiate between clarity and obsessive attention to detail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You know the maxim "You've got to destroy to create"? This week we're cooking up a new cliché to describe the positive deconstruction at work in your life. "You've got to unravel to keep it together," or "Get smart – fall apart!" Don't wig out trying to understand what's on the other side of this break; the point is to be OK with not knowing.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, we know it sucks not to have everything on your terms, but it looks like there's some shit you have to reconcile yourself to. If you find yourself praying for some god you don't even believe in to remove the personalities of most of the people around you, you know you're on the wrong path.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Congratulations! You've worked your shell off in hopes of establishing a greater sense of connectedness to your roots, a stronger feeling of security in your relationships. Using this foundation, we encourage you to keep your brain cracked open and throw a new shot of energy into your investments.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Poor Leo! You were trotting through the meadow astride your unicorn, enjoying the feel of wind blowing through your hair, and you crashed into a wall of raw nerves and seething insecurities. We know it's all very overwhelming, but try to remember that it's part of your journey toward ultimate fearlessness.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Well, Virgo, we see that you're very grounded, but duh – when aren't you folks grounded? Let's get to the meat of the week: your feelings are all knotted in frustration, and you're disappointed. Emotions will continue to run high, so do what you can to prevent becoming smothered by your own feelings.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, this week is so frickin' awesome. All you're required to do is be there to enjoy it. You don't need to puzzle over mysteries in your past or fret about your bitchin' future. In fact, even as we type, your bitchin' future is unfolding before you! Show up for it with a wildly beating heart.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Life is crawling by at a frustratingly slow pace, dear Scorpio. And that unfortunately leaves you with a lot of time to spend freaking the fuck out. The very best thing you can do to take care of yourself this week is to cultivate detachment from whatever is giving you a meltdown.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Don't you hate the experience of feeling lonely while you're around a whole gang of people? We see you plagued by persons this week, persons bearing personalities, who want you to join them in activities. We know you like to be popular, but save alone time for yourself lest you start feeling glum in public.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Breakups: they're not just for boyfriends anymore! We see you engaging in breakups with all sorts of relationships, habits, inanimate objects, and thought patterns this week. We see you filling their void with things nurturing and sustainable. That's what you get when you put your heart first.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You win the Excellent Week Award! It's a great moment for you, and we beg you not to float away on a cloud of detachment but to stay present for the abundance you've worked hard to manifest. Keep blasting that good attitude and you'll keep attracting all that much-deserved goodness.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Are you feeling frustrated or what? With this frustration comes so much energy – what are you going to do with yourself? We suggest committing to the present and not tripping out on your future. Calmed down? Have a second birthday and do something wicked nice for yourself.