THERE ARE SO many bands I just don't understand these days. Hella's tinny art metal din reminds me of Yngwie Malmsteen in a K hole. Montreal band the Unicorns do a passable paste-up of twee '60s pop and indie glitch rock with the occasional five-second shard of brilliance on Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?; still, Vice magazine is engaging in some gonzo journalism by calling them "the best band in the world." Don't even get me started on all the crap from the electronic world that lands on my desk. We don't need any more albums full of 50-second gabber noise-fuck sound bites from bedroom wankstas. When do people get in the mood to listen to that stuff, except when they're trying to annoy roommates?

I talked to a friend who had just come from the Unicorns show at Great American Music Hall, and he told me the band is a lot better live than on record. Minus the penny whistles, clarinets, trumpets, glockenspiels, accordions, and toy organs featured on their debut, they're pretty much a straightforward three-piece, and they rock. So I think what we have here is a production problem. Everyone's trying to get so freakin' arty that they forget the basic elements of a good song. Top that with the current trend of "lo-fi" production – which often means that it's produced by one of the band members to save money – and there's a lot of suck-ass stuff being put to tape.

I've seen this work the other way too, though. Dynasty, for example, sound pretty fresh on their records, but they haven't really been able to replicate their album arrangements live. Mainstream hip-hop does this all the time. No matter how many high-tech pyrotechnics go off or how many posse members are onstage, most rappers can manage nothing better than straight yelling into the microphone in concert. I saw Paris last year at Slim's, and he was good, straightforward, and an entertainer; basically, it was a million times better than any huge stage show I've seen from Busta Rhymes or Method Man. (Outkast, on the other hand, sizzle in concert.)

It seems like what makes all my old Descendents and Pixies records sound so good right now is that these bands actually sounded live like they do on record. So everyone just simplify already and stop clogging the landfills with your overwrought CDs. The most memorable songs usually consist of nothing more than guts and three major chords anyway.

Heads up Will someone duct-tape my keyboard if I dare to suggest that nothing's happening here in the SFC? I've been going out nearly every night, and the clubs are packed – I salute everyone else doing the same during these crazy rainstorms.

Wednesday is set to pop off again, as Milk club owner Erik Ross is doing a new night, Wednesdays at Milk, mixing up diverse hip-hop and funk DJs and artists with his connects from the art world. Upcoming guests in March include DJ Nobody, Diverse, Pete Rock, and That Kid Named Miles from the Breakestra, and in April look out for Obey Giant's Shepard Fairey playing records. (I smell old Misfits tracks in your future.)

Rumor also has it that Dizzee Rascal is touching down in mid March at an alt-hip-hop show that is sure to blow more than a few minds and shake some salt shakers. A few days after that, the Rephlex Records crew are coming to town, their laptops filled with dirty porn movies and crunky experimental techno beats. Best of all, U.K. garage DJs Mark One and Plasticman are on board with underground bass-line mayhem, alongside ragga provocateur Soundmurder and mad scientist Bogdan Raczynski. Get your shin guards ready.

And now I'm off to the Winter Music Conference in Miami. I'll see you in two weeks with a tan, a permanent hangover, and plenty of pertinent gossip.

Wednesdays at Milk, with J-Boogie's Dubtronic Science, Wed/3, 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Milk, 1840 Haight, S.F. $5. (415) 387-6455.

Paradise Boys CD-release party, with live techno by Jonah Sharp and Del Ray and Safety Scissors and a DJ set by Broker/Dealer, Thurs/4, 9 p.m.-2 a.m., Cafe du Nord, 2170 Market, S.F. $7. (415) 861-5016.

White Out!, with live performances by Gravy Train!!!! and pOstCoitus and DJs Disco Shawn and Mon Amie playing b-girl anthems, funk punk, and Kelis for the indie rock kids, Fri/5, 9 p.m.-3 a.m., StudioZ.tv, 314 11th St., S.F. $8. (415) 252-7666.

Miami Heat, with Mark Farina, Miguel Migs, and DJ Fluid playing their hot new promos from the Winter Music Conference, March 12, 10 p.m.-4 a.m., Mezzanine, 444 Jessie, S.F. $20 ($15 before 11 p.m.). (415) 820-9669.