Alert! Mercury is retrograde.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It's like you were taking a nice little stroll down the Avenue of Life and suddenly became engulfed in a dense cloud of sinister fog. We think you're a bit disoriented, Aries, and quite possibly tormenting yourself with existential questions. Try to stay balanced and allow the situation to play out some before making a move.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Whether you're moving your fancy-pants project to a stunning completion or tending to a situation that's nowhere near the finish line, this is a great week to TCB in a flash, Taurus. You've got a wicked positive 'tude, and you're wide open to fresh ways of doing stuff.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

The zodiac's hot new reality-television series, It's Good to Be ___, is turning its cameras on you this week, Gemini. So, how is it "good to be," Gemini? Well, right now you get to start gestating your deepest and most flamboyant aspirations and begin moving in the direction of your richest passions.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You've been down in the emotional swamplands, wrestling with the alligator of possessiveness, Cancer. And did you let that beast sink its teeth into you, drag you down, stuff you under a log, and let you rot a bit before eating you? No! Instead of a grisly death, you found a fabulous sense of self that's letting you take even more risks and trust in the good things flowing your way.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

We order you, queens and kings of the zodiac, to sit down on your royal arses and follow these psychic instructions: (1) Gather your strength. Waste it not on fools. (2) Eat good food. Oysters are full of B vitamins. (3) Get enough sleep. Spritz your pillow with lavender if you must. (4) Allow yourself to experience the changes that loom in your future with grace.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

We at Psychic Universal Health Care for All Inc. are reviewing your psychic health, Virgo. We see you have the elusive-to-so-many right idea, a sense of your own vitality zinging through your totally hot bod, and the inner strength to put your wisdom into practice. For you, we have a clean bill of health.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, stay clear of folks who bring you down this week. Cross the street to avoid so-called friends who encourage negativity in you and seduce you into blowing off the chores closest to your heart. Sometimes the best thing a Libra can do is act like an Aries. When you need to say no, say no.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Chill out, Scorp. All you have to do this week is be present. There's no trick to it: it's not like you have to be present and, or you have to be present but. You need only show up emotionally – and guard against any slinking codependencies. Those insidious buggers won't bring you forward.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Hmmm, Sag. Our radar detects some conversations that need to be had. We also see a bunch of little blips that can only mean shit that needs to be dealt with. This is an excellent week to decide how you want to approach these encroaching situations. Prioritize allowing others to be who they are.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your totem pop song this week is Madonna's pleading "Open Your Heart," Capricorn. The deep and far-reaching changes you've been working toward will reach an important point, and the challenge is to put some additional oomph in your struggle to become more emotionally open and available.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The danger this week is that you'll get all wrapped up in your worst-case scenarios and assorted fears, Aquarius. The best cure for that K-hole is staying focused on your starry aspirations and that glowy, special thing that's been making you so happy. It'll make life look less scary.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

We hope you're available for your family this week, Pisces, chosen or otherwise. There're some really fab emotional changes happening in those areas, and we wouldn't want you to be so checked out you miss them. You've got a crapload of love in your life right now – and some people who're devoted to your happiness. Enjoy it.