DEAR ANDREA: I always express my fantasies to my boyfriend,
and I encourage him to do the same. However, one fantasy he has is a
sadomasochistic role-play where he degrades and whips me, which makes
me uncomfortable. I love him, and he's always willing to try different
things, and I feel it's selfish of me not to do what he wants, but I'm
afraid if we make this fantasy a reality it may harm our relationship
emotionally.
Love,
Hesitant
Dear Hesi: A worthwhile fear, that. Just because S-M fantasies can
be (and usually are) acted out without an iota of harm to either party
doesn't mean you can't get hurt. I think you're more concerned about
the degradation than about the whipping, and I think that's wise. Would
you consider something on the order of spanking and light submission
for starters if you're going to consider anything at all? It's like
taking your great-aunt out for her very first sushi: you start off with
a nice California roll; you don't jump straight to the quivering yellow
blob of uni.
Before doing anything, you guys might want to read a book (Greenery
Press has good stuff) to get a handle on what it is people actually
do in S-M scenes, which is shockingly different from what people think
people do in S-M scenes. Then maybe an instructional video, and then,
because too much educational material can turn any hot fantasy into
homework, rent something sizzling (the Art of Bondage series
and the works of art-porn auteur Maria Beatty can be neither topped
nor beaten). After all this study, you two will either be charged up
and raring to go or bored to near-vegetative inertia. Either state provides
useful data.
On the other hand, you should feel fully enfranchised to turn to
him at any point and say, "You know what? About the beating and
degradation stuff? I just don't think so." If you don't want to
do something, saying no isn't selfishness; it's self-preservation.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I have two questions. When I was 17, my boyfriend acted
out whatever fantasy I wanted. He would handcuff me, tie me up, blindfold
me, etc. I'd ask him to pretend he was raping me. And he was good at
it too. He could hold both my hands at the wrist while slapping me across
the face, and I enjoyed every second of it. He was OK with this at first.
But then I wanted him to strangle me during sex. Reluctantly, he did
it. Not being able to moan, scream, or breathe was such a turn-on. He
thought I had a problem and said I should see someone. Do you think
I have a problem? Anyway, I'm 19 now, and I'm dating this guy. He's
26 and still a virgin. I get the feeling he'll want to have sex with
me soon. But I've never had sex with a virgin, and I don't want to freak
him out with my strange desires. What do I do if he wants me to be his
first?
Love,
Toppy Bottom
Dear Bottom: Do it, I guess. It's either that or hand him off to
someone else to de-virginate him, and if you like him for yourself,
what would you want to go doing that for?
On the other hand, brace yourself for a non-mind-blowing experience,
certainly at first, if not for the duration. There are people who get
off on being the wise teacher or the despoiler of innocent youth or
whatever, but you aren't one of them. Absent the Mrs. Robinson fantasy,
sex with a 26-year-old virgin is likely to be on the tepid side. Good
sex takes practice, as you know, and you were something of a quick study,
while he's going to have to go to summer school. Plus, you're a young
woman with certain very specific needs, and you've got to figure Mr.
Late Starter probably won't suddenly reveal himself as the savage-beastly
type who'll ravage you on demand. I see you lying there dictating, "OK,
now call me a bitch. Great, now slap me – no, a little harder.
All right, rape time now, no, hold both wrists, OK good ..."
and I yawn for you.
As to your first and more important question, do you have a problem?
No, although some people will have a problem with you. With the
exception of the choking, which always worries me, your kinks are both
common and harmless, as are the matching kinks on the other side (Damsel
in Distress, meet Cruel Villain. Villain, Damsel). You're over 18; you
can join an S-M organization and have at it. Unlike some random boyfriend,
they won't find you shocking. You'll have more luck there than at your
local 26-year-old-virgins society (insert obligatory chess club and/or
computer geek joke here).
