Alert! Mercury is still f*cking retrograde.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Communications you indulge in this week will bring you an opportunity to be open to new perspectives and see things in sparkly-fresh ways. That's the cheery part. The downer bit is that these communications may arise from some crummy circumstances, Aries. Take care to speak directly and honestly.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This is an extragood week to reflect on your relationship to possessiveness, Taurus, be it possessing people, things, or even ideas. Your larger project is to develop your ability to give and seek nurturance, and this whole possessiveness bit is a crucial element of that lovely process.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You've hit a checkpoint on your road to freedom, snappy Gemini. We're here to see how your little, airy body is doing in the big, overstimulating world. Is your body hungry? Is it tired? Is it maybe even happy? We encourage a pause in your daily flurry of activity to tend to its well-being.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You're in the midst of some honestly scary situations, Cancer, but we do believe it's a very self-loving struggle to engage in. You'll be blossoming like a tiny lotus flower by the end of it, but not before you've gone and broken up with whomever or whatever you need to hit splitsville with. Don't be scared of your sadness.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

All the omens of goodness surround you, Leo: the unicorn-shaped cloud in the sky, the nest of doves camped out above your bedroom window, the scratcher that won you a free ticket. Sadly, you're missing them. It's because you're so besmirched with indecision and mental strife. Lighten up a little.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

It looks like you might be called on to change your relationships in a way that feels straight-up scary, Virgo. We hope to soothe your fears by promising that what lies on the other side of this shift is renewed energy and a belief in yourself that feels virtuous and brings you bunches of happiness.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Even though the boundaries you recently communicated were totally righteous and self-appropriate, you're still freaking the freak out. Libra, don't make it harder for yourself by engaging in behaviors that invite others to cross them. If you want others to respect your boundaries, start by respecting them yourself.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The vast and wise universe has brought you a golden opportunity to show up and take responsibility for your own damn well-being, Scorpio: in the form of the deep fears you feel percolating in your belly. Though everything is happening as it should, there are these hard emotions. The challenge is to deal with them in a healthy manner.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Well hell, Sag, you really are making some deep changes, aren't you? Your most intimate relationships and your home life are the stages on which you'll see them take effect. This might sound crazy as well as annoying, but we're going to say it anyway: take it slooooow.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorn, this is a crucial week for you to be present for the interplay of love in your life. Now, we know you instantly become overwhelmed and depressed at the very notion of an "interplay of love," but we encourage you to get over it. Things are happening organically, so just grab a seat and watch your life continue to unfold.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Some super-impressive developments can be made in your journey of personal enlightenment this week, Aquarius. For those of you who scrunched up your face at the phrase "personal enlightenment," how about plain old getting to know yourself better? You could use a little Q.T. with yourself, so send the friends and hangers-on home.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The Piscean stereotype is a dreamy sort prone to meditative states. We at Double Team abhor stereotypes of all kinds – especially the stereotype of gay ladies having no fashion sense! – but we think it might be useful for you fishies to tap into your native potential for stillness. You sure do have a lot to think about.