DEAR ANDREA: My husband enters me dry, no foreplay (I let him
because I don't know when we'll have sex next), and then finishes, goes
outside to smoke, and goes to sleep. He can last longer with a condom,
and I can get on top and try to finish myself, only lately it doesn't
work. I do masturbate for relief. Worse, he's a trucker and only home
for a few days at a time.
I find myself wanting and fantasizing about women a lot. I still love
my hubby and want to stay married. Is it possible to have a "decent"
sex life without him ever making me orgasm? The only other way I can
orgasm is through oral sex, but he says it's not something he feels
"should be done." I guess what I'm asking is what, if anything,
should I do?
Love,
Road Widow
Dear Widow: Oh dear. There are times when the responsibility for
other people's happiness makes me want to change my name and run away.
Don't make me tell you what to do! How should I know?
I do have to wonder what made you decide that pleasure-free and
bunny-quick sex ("The food is terrible, and the portions are so
small!") is better than no sex. When you say, "I let him because
I don't know when we'll have sex next," I think, "So what?
What would you be missing?" If the sex you have feels good and
creates intimacy even in the absence of orgasms, then great. What I'm
hearing, though, has little to do with affectionate connection and much
to do with getting it over with. Once sex becomes a chore to be got
through, it can be difficult to get the joy back and easy to build up
a fine head of resentment. You aren't doing anyone any favors by letting
Mr. Bunny-Quick have his way with you.
Have you insisted on the condoms, which seem to have the desired
slowdown effect? Would you consider bringing a vibrator into play? If
masturbation works for you, could he do it for you or keep you company
while you do it yourself? Unless he has explicitly stated, "No,
I am not interested in helping you achieve orgasm in any way. Now let
me go smoke and get some sleep," there are still possible solutions
left unexplored here. If he has said something of the sort, why
are we even talking? Why aren't you calling your lawyer?
The fantasies of women also raise more questions than they answer.
Is it possible you're fixating on girl-girl sex because you imagine
it would provide everything – long, slow lovemaking, oral sex,
orgasms – you're now missing with your husband? It might, but what
if what you really want is for hubby to behave more the way you imagine
a female lover might? If it really is women themselves you want, you
do have a problem: a man who thinks oral sex isn't something that "should
be done" is also unlikely to go for his wife's suggestion that
she get a girlfriend or they join a swingers group. Bringing in a woman
or women is a solution, though, as are cheating and divorce, separately
or in sequence.
First, though, tell your husband you're unhappy with your sex life
as it stands and hope that's enough to jolt him into action. See if
he can loosen up on the anti-oral strictures, accept a vibrator, or
allow (or even enjoy) some girl-girl porn to keep you company while
you're riding him. Any of these might address the no-orgasm problem.
None of these is the same as having a real-life female partner. If it
turns out that's what you really need, well ... write me back and I'll
try not to be chickenshit about telling you what to do.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm gay but tell people I'm bi just to ease them into
it. I've never kissed any girl yet, and I'm starting to have these dreams
about kissing guys. It's freaking me out. I've been solid on
my sexuality for two years, and when I started to question my sexuality
in the first place, it put me into major therapy and on antidepressants.
Can you ease my mind? Is this normal?
Love,
Dream girl
Dear Girl: It's normal! I promise! You may have imagined your sexuality
set in stone, but it all sounds rather new and untested to me –
basically some desires one way and some dreams the other and no practical
experience at all. Perhaps the therapy and antidepressants were necessary,
period, and their efficacy wasn't predicated on your having chosen a
sexuality and never deviating therefrom. In other words, could you cut
yourself a little break until you've at least kissed someone, anyone,
and then decide? After all, you're already out as bi, so if you
turn out to actually be bi, you won't even have to change your
story.
