DEAR ANDREA: Contrary to recent columns, I know it's possible
to achieve anal penetration of someone in his sleep; I've done it. It
was more effective than all my attempts at persuasion when he was awake.
I was very gentle and limited my penetration but was surprised he didn't
wake up. I felt ashamed, and later I foolishly confessed to my now ex-boyfriend.
The inability to give consent may define the act as rape, but it doesn't
prove that a crime occurred. Would it have been rape to have humped
him between the thighs or sucked him? If I'd been accused of rape, I
might have resorted to venal medical theories for a defense, like Freud's
interpretation of his young patient Dora (apparently raped in her sleep
by her father). It was all just a wish-fulfillment dream on the part
of my boyfriend! Not to rationalize, but nonconsensual sex is commonplace
throughout human history to this day. Think war, prison, marriage, etc.
Which brings us to the issue of giving your partner what he or she
wants even if it means lying or doing something you don't really want
to do. When I was a P.C. bi boy, I faked orgasms with my girlfriend
more than once. I was tired, I wasn't near orgasm, and she was as hung
up on pleasing me as I was on pleasing her. I only wish I'd learned
then that forcing the "truth" on one's partner can be more
hurtful than keeping one's transgressions secret and preserving trust.
Love,
Guilty Jerk
Dear Jerk: I'm running your letter more because it's interesting
than because I have any particular answers to offer – for that
you would have had to ask a question.
I agree – I agreed in the relevant columns – that it's
possible to penetrate a sleeping partner, and I agree with your own
self-assessment ("Guilty Jerk" being your phrase, not mine).
I certainly don't agree that the mere fact that humans have forced sex
on one another in every period and any arena you can imagine does anything
to mitigate the unacceptability of your having done so. Surely
I needn't point out that starting your sentence with "Not to rationalize,
but" doesn't excuse you, either for the act or for the attempt
to rationalize it?
Would it have been rape if you'd just humped him, or whatever? Probably
not, especially if he hadn't forbidden you to do so. I'm not getting
into the fine points of global versus conditional consent, as we've
so recently covered that here. I will say that you know very well that
what you did was at least rapelike enough to lose you his love and respect,
if not necessarily rapelike enough to stand up in court. And I admit
that I would have paid good money to sit in the gallery and watch your
lawyer attempt to pull out either version of Freud's seduction theory
in your defense. It wouldn't have worked, but it certainly would
have been entertaining. So let me join you in judging you a jerk for
what you did, although I'll leave it up to you and to your ex to forgive
you or not.
And while I'm up here on the judge's bench, I'll give you a pass
on the orgasm faking. I do shake a stern finger at fakers when they
write to me, but just because it's stupid, not because they've earned
a place in hell with the rapists and molesters. It's a white lie. "I
didn't bugger you in your sleep" is not. Don't tell me you equate
the two. Just don't.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I'm the "Road Widow" from the last column. I
let my husband have sex with me because he pouts otherwise, and I fear
letting him go on the road unsatisfied sexually.
I've had a few "girlfriends" with his (reluctant) consent,
which he quickly withdraws. He's very fearful that I'll leave him for
a woman. I've thought about it. I was once madly in love and felt that
I wanted to be with her forever, but she wouldn't let me leave hubby
for her. She said she couldn't give me the material things he can.
I do watch girl porn and try to insist on condoms to slow him down.
He has recently made a halfhearted attempt at foreplay, but even though
I demonstrate for him, he simply does not get it. So is it possible
I just have a preference toward women? And if I'm gay, but I don't want
to leave him, do you feel that's fair to him, if I'm willing to still
have sex with him as he doesn't last that long?
Love,
Road Widow
Dear Widow: Boy, is it ever possible that you simply prefer women.
Having the lousy-lover husband doesn't help, but sure, of course you
sound bi, not to mention awfully dissatisfied. I suppose it's possible
to stay with him, but only if you're perfectly open with him, including
the part about only tolerating his clumsy pawing and staying with him
out of affection and convenience while seeking all your thrills and
passionate attachments outside the marriage. Think he'll go for that?
Would you?
