DEAR READERS: I was checking my Web site stats this
morning, and I noticed that "donkey punch Cleveland steamer"
was once again among the most popular search terms bringing new readers
to my page. So, while I'm still puzzled and disconcerted by the public's
apparently endless fascination with the topic, I give you the original
"donkey punch" column and some of the follow-up discussion
– and remind you not to blame me if you start to feel faint or
morally outraged. I don't make this stuff up.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: A friend recently told me that during butt sex, if the
guy punches the girl in the back of the head it will make her vomit
and defecate at the same time. Is this true? And why would anyone want
to do this?
Love,
Troubled
Dear Trouble: What? What?? Why would anyone want to do this, indeed?
Come to think of it, why did your friend even tell you this thing to
begin with? I mean, does this sort of thing come up in ordinary conversation?
And one more question: does this friend have a girlfriend? It seems
most unlikely, but I have no idea if it's true. I sincerely hope nobody
gets it into his head to try it and tell me how it goes. In case anyone
was leaning that way, I don't want to know, OK? Far, far more likely,
I can see it going something like this: Guy punches girl in the back
of the head during butt sex. Girl pulls away, turns and punches guy
in the face, gets dressed, and leaves.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: Regarding "Troubled" 's recent question about
punching a "girl" in the back of the head during "butt
sex": One summer, over a spirited round of drinking games, a Harvard
football player told us about this practice, which he named a "donkey
punch." According to this Crimson Pervert, knocking the woman unconscious
causes the sphincter to loosen, allowing deeper penetration. This was
met, understandably, with uncomfortable silence and a general averting
of eyes. No mention was made of defecation or vomiting, although they
sound like not-unlikely side effects of cold-cocking an unsuspecting
partner.
Neither he nor anyone present ever attempted a donkey punch, as far
as I know. The same cannot be said for a "Cleveland steamer,"
another bit of sexual arcana he added to our collective lexicon that
afternoon.
Yours,
Troubled by Harvard Student
Dear Troubled: Would it make you feel better about Harvard (if worse
about mankind in general) to hear that the "donkey punch"
is not, apparently, of Crimson Pervert origin? It appears that the phrase
has been making the rounds, if my inbox is any indication. Anyway, ick.
I don't know whether to be relieved or alarmed, but a quick search turns
up evidence that Cleveland steamer, a practice if anything even more
disgusting than the donkey punch, was likewise not invented by your
churlish friend. It has its own T-shirt, for God's sake, available through
the aptly named getoffended.com. And that is absolutely the last thing
I intend to say about any of this.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea: I am so angry that you did not mention in your discussion
of the donkey punch that this type of activity is not some kind of "icky"
fetish but falls into the category of assault and rape. I am disappointed
that you never mentioned that once someone is unconscious, all sexual
activity becomes nonconsensual. I would like you to issue an apology
to your readers for your lack of appropriate responsibility as a journalist.
Love,
Another Woman Against Abuse of Women
Dear Woman: And I am so angry about those poor bonsai kittens!
Imagine: being raised in a beer glass, never to eviscerate catnip mice
or pounce on their owners' toesies early in the morning ... it's so
mean! And isn't it too painful even to contemplate the fate of innocent
companion rodents forced to perform despicable acts with aging Hollywood
Buddhists? I don't know how you can get all exercised over violence
to adult women, who, after all, can take care of themselves, while not
sparing a tear for the poor little helpless furry ones. Honey, get over
it. There's no such thing as a donkey punch. If there were, I promise
you I'd be against it too. Until then, I don't believe I'll be apologizing,
but thanks for the invitation.
