Aries (March 21-April 19)

It's clear from here that you're going to have to make some concessions if you want to preserve the integrity of your most cherished relationship, Aries. If we might offer a hint of advice as you decide which compromises are appropriate and which ones simply won't do: keep an eye on your ego.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You started out with flawless intentions, Taurus, and then other people got all up in your business, and you let them stay there. Perhaps they're there even now – all nested up in your business, calling it home and bumming you out. Unless you want to keep feeling crappy and disappointed, evict the mofos.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

We'll be frank, Gemini: it's a hard week for you electric twin people. You're going to have to decide to be strongly present in the face of something you wish wasn't so. Let this dastardly week put your powers to the test; being brave in the face of disasters like this is when you really get to be a hero.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, if we tell you to take that frown and turn it upside down, will you slap us? OK, we didn't say it! Instead we'll say this: you have taken in too much of other people's needs, opinions, and other emotional effluvia, and it's high time for you to get a little selfish. Identify your desire and pursue it like there's a hellhound on your tail.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You've got two, count 'em, two options this week, Leo: you can stay in that hot body of yours and have a blast, or you can shove it into the can of your brain and try to figure it all out, analyze till you have a seizure ... you get the picture. We vote for the bod, unless you've been partying into the abyss and need to think about what the hell you're doing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You need things to move more slowly, Virg. It looks like you're ready to just be with yourself, all present and connected – which we like. But we need to remind you to deal with the basics this week: e.g., paying your parking tickets and feeding yourself three meals a day. Healthy meals, OK?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Look at you, all curled up on the lap of emotional luxury, purring away. Your deep happiness makes us happy, Libra – thanks! – and we'd like to encourage you to continue cultivating a relationship with happiness that's not possessive, jealous, or controlling. Let happiness come and go as she pleases.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorp, are you looking for the way out of the hall of mirrors that is your current relationship worries? Simple. One step at a time, you need to very clearly, very consciously apply your energy to bringing things back to the loving place you know they can be in. The worries are difficult, but try to remember they're only worries!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

We've got nothing for you this week, Sag. You're just too perfect right now, and we'd hate to mess it up by asking you to investigate this positive attitude and clear perspective. And we don't have to tell you that work's going great, or that you're enjoying being in your body, 'cause you know that already. So, bye!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorn, get your ass to a place that sells seeds, OK? Take the seeds and plant them. That's your homework this week. Whenever you get impatient, whenever the pace of the world makes you squirrelly in the head, go to the seeds and get a reality check on the time it takes things to grow.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There are some deep lessons brewing, Aquarius, and the name of the game is proportion. You're using up so much energy distracting yourself with ideas about "the future" that there's a dearth of energy available for the present. The less energy you waste resisting yourself, the more you'll have to come into yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You just need some room to breathe, Pisces! You've blossomed into this exotic flower, and your little corner of the garden is getting choked up with weeds and other busybody hangers-on. You need to bust out your pruning shears and cut away some of this meddlesome, if well-meaning, growth.