DEAR ANDREA: Do you feel it's possible for a husband to rape his wife? One time my husband wanted sex, and I wasn't interested and said so. He started tickling me. Of course I started laughing, but I was saying no too, which seemed to excite him. Despite my continued struggle, he forced himself on me. I didn't know what to do, so I just lay there. I forgave him, as he seemed genuinely unaware of doing wrong. Then just recently he wanted to have sex. I told him I didn't feel well, maybe later. He started trying to touch me; I told him to stop. He pinned me down, then forced himself into my mouth. I was so stunned ... was it rape? I did do what he wanted, but I had said no. He scares me. I fear he'll do it again. Should I just do what he wants? Am I wrong not to have sex with him when he wants it?

Love, Unwilling

Dear Will: No! Hell, no. You aren't wrong to refuse sex you don't want. Not in marriage, not out of marriage, not ever, and anyway, marital rape isn't a matter of opinion; it's a matter of law. It took a long time – the first U.S. spousal rape laws weren't written until the '70s – but we do have them, and he did break them.

There has been much column palaver recently over what constitutes rape, when it's merely yucky sex, whether it's illegal or immoral to enter one's partner in his or her sleep, and so on and on. But pinning unwilling people to couches and forcing body parts into them? That's rape, no discussion needed. I can see maybe forgiving him the one time (it is, I suppose, possible that he didn't understand you were seriously resisting, not just playing "Please don't throw me in the briar patch"). But once he's heard that you're serious and you want him to stop and he still doesn't, he's become a rapist and you a victim, and you can't let it go on. Maybe he could reform with serious therapy, but as long as he's getting away with it, he has no reason to stop. Why should he?

I usually try to inject a little levity into whatever subject is under discussion, but that just isn't going to happen this week; I'm too worried about you. I think you should be scared, and I want you to get away from him before he hurts you worse. It's particularly worrisome that he seems to have no sense at all that he's violating anything. He seems just to be going about his business, exercising his God- (or whatever-) given right to do whatever he wants to you, when he wants to, and that is truly chilling. You need to go. If you have more questions, call a rape hotline, a shelter, or the cops. Something faster and more serious than me.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I have been "dating" this older guy for 13 years. We have two children. I refuse to get married. We never talk – I'm always stupid or dumb when I try to talk to him about anything; he's a belittler. It's very embarrassing in front of our friends. How do I get away? How do I get independent? I have been a kept woman all my life.

Love, Kept

Dear Kept: Well, that was kind of silly of you, wasn't it?

I've never been that entranced with the pursuit of happiness when it means parents taking off in the middle of their marriages to "find themselves." You are who you are, there's nothing else to find, and tough luck if you don't like it: your kids need you. I'm not a total hard-ass about this, though, and you really do sound miserable. Divorce (or in your case, separation) is lousy for kids, but since I'm seeing it as inevitable, you might as well just get it over with.

Why am I so certain? It's the contempt thing. The best research on what makes a relationship last or self-destruct was done by John Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington's "Love Lab" (www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help). They identified the "four horsemen" of doomed relationships, the most notable of which, to me, was contempt, which your partner has in spades.*

Quite extraordinarily, Gottman's team can predict, in five minutes and with 90 percent accuracy, which subjects will divorce within a few years. Well, so can I. You will. So go back to school, get an AA degree in something, and get a lawyer. Good luck.

Love, Andrea

* The team also discovered that "active listening" and validating your partner's feelings are essentially useless, and that marriages last best when men are willing to "accept influence" from women. But you know, I'm just not touching those right now. E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.