Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do you have lust in your heart this week, Aries? If so, we say it's the way to go. Your lusty heart is the virtuous antidote to whatever impulse is trying to lure you over to your dark side. Swap the Prozac for some Viagra, or toss out the pills altogether and raise your spirits the old-fashioned way.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The only thing that's clear this week, Taurus, is that you've had a burst of clarity that's gone and screwed up your life. Like, you had a revelation that turned everything upside down, and now you don't know what the hell to do. Start with your relationships: handle them with honesty and directness.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

We at the Psychic Institute abhor the distribution of useless advice, and some would call it useless to urge noncreative types to hunker down and get artsy. But this week is so über-creative for Geminis that we see even the stodgiest banker among you making experimental sound installations. Which means that the bona fide artistes will be pure geniuses.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

OK, Cancer, remember that little song that goes "there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza"? We don't know who the frig this Liza chick is, but we do think there's a hole in the bucket of your heart, a leaky corrosion of insecurity. We say, try holding your heart-bucket at a different angle and see if that doesn't allow the good feelings to accumulate.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, we order you to sit the hell down. And once you're sitting, sit some more. Sit your brains out. While in this position, please reflect – deeply – on how you arrived at this rather scary and deflating moment. Taking responsibility for what got you here will allow you to have more agency in your life.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your innermost personal life is going through some hella-big changes right now, dear Virgo. For those of you who are like, "Yeah, no shit," hear this as a validation of the profound stirring. For Virgos who're simply having a crappy time: be gentle with your heart; the debacle will leave you improved.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This week is about compromise, Libra, but in a real tough-ass sort of way. It's up to you to determine what you're willing to compromise, and to shout a "Hell, no!" at compromises that are expected of you. You determine the compromise, get it? The more you stand your ground, the more willing you'll be to bargain.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Be patient and mindful, Scorp, 'cause it's an important week for the future of your happiness. We don't want to blame you for your unhappiness – we don't dig the victim-blaming trip – but this is a good time to take some responsibility for where you're at in the world so you can make it better.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Whatever the drama is, Sag, if you can't get the hell out of it, pronto, at least try to draw up some serious guidelines concerning how much of it you're going to take on. The problem you're grappling with has serious foundational flaws and isn't sustainable, so do try to jump ship while you can.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

We think you orderly sorts enjoy a nice, brief list, so we've crafted this just for you, Capricorn: (a) You are strong enough to deal with the crap you're dealing with, no matter how barren or bereft you might feel, and (b) your recourse in this situation lies in your connections that are familial and loving.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, don't stress out over potential disappointments this week; even if it does all fall to shit, you're strong enough to handle it. Take that rarefied energy of yours and put the pedal to the metal. Bust your ass to win whatever's at stake here. You're in your prime – impress yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Up in the thin-aired mountains of Tibet, holy folk crawl into caves and hang out there for incredible lengths of time, attaining enlightenment. We can't see you shucking civilization this week, but the closest you can get to living like a solitary, cave-dwelling monk, the more clear-headed you'll be.