I WOULD LIKE to thank my club gnomes, without whom this column would not be possible. Until they figure out human cloning, I will continue to need the occasional night off from going out, so I can lie in bed smoking spliffs and watching Roseanne reruns. No matter. The gnomes are busy hiding out in bathroom stalls and lurking in smoking areas, getting the gossip, and returning it to me so I can pass it on to you.

Unfortunately, gnomes aren't always that reliable either. One such wee person – who had been dispatched to Club Six for Breakthrough's nu-skool breaks party with Aquasky – wantonly disregarded the task at hand, opting instead to chase punani. "I wasn't really paying attention to the party that much," he admitted. "It was so fuckin' hot and sweaty downstairs that I stayed upstairs and talked to chicks." Not being one to chastise others for the noble pursuit of getting laid, I asked around elsewhere, and the reports were unanimous: San Francisco's breaks scene is alive and kicking and continues to smell like B.O. and nag champa. Smoke up, don't wash, and get yourself to the next big event with the End's Layo and Bushwacka, who combine breaks with big-room house, drum 'n' bass low-end, and techno touches.

I anticipate having to send out the gnome troupes again next week, as the last few weekends of partying have prematurely aged me. It started with the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, when I played a rinsing old-school jungle night in the basement of AsiaSF. Drum 'n' bass may be the third most hated-upon electronic music genre (it's still behind trance and happy hardcore in the snark polls), but boy does everyone love to listen to the old stuff from 1994 and 1995. Those fools were raving hard, dawg! And they were drinking hard, thanks to a pair of delightfully hot himbo bartenders who had clearly descended from the Big Gay Heavens to serve us. Somehow I ended up talking to a guy who had taught his three-year-old daughter to call him "fucker" and going home with a tranny's fake Gucci purse (that contained, of all things, canker sore gel). Check out Soma Sessions' next, um, session, June 25, with d 'n' b sweetheart Bailey of Metalheadz, UK.

Last weekend was again a delightful blur. Friday night I turned up at Loaded, a new biweekly event at the Rickshaw Stop hosted by four ladies calling themselves the Dirtbag Sisters and the Wonder Twins. (Club kid names are, like, sooo back.) The Rickshaw is the new place to smoke outside, stare at hot art students, and feel hopelessly inadequate – and is therefore the perfect place to go when you have PMS and already feel like a total bitch. The shit was fun, but I drank too many of my favorite new shot – SoCo and lime juice, shaken – and paid the cost to be so boss. Saturday was more madness with the d 'n' b crew: while birthday boy Genome and man-about-town Rey took over the Lucky 13 jukebox with back-to-back Dead Kennedys, a certain other Phuturo resident was found passed out in the street in front of the Safeway store muttering profanities and clutching a jug of water in preparation for Armageddon. All of which ended at an after-party with Knob Creek shots and a very intense game of strip Connect Four, which sure beats strip poker for clothes taken off per minute. Try it some time.

As a parting shot, if you're left wanting more club news – and the Flavorpill and Nitevibe e-mail blasts aren't enough – check out www.illstatic.com. It's a bit advertisement-heavy, but the Club Bitch column and the Bad Boob Job gallery are worth shamelessly wasting work time for.

Bailey plays at Soma Sessions Fri/25, 10:30 p.m.-3 a.m., AsiaSF, 201 Ninth St., S.F. $8-$10. (415) 255-2742.

Equipto, Z-Man, Antificion, and DJs Myke One, and Pause play Thurs/17, 9 p.m., StudioZ.tv, 314 11th St., S.F. $7. (415) 252-7666.

Funkstörung plays Thurs/24, 8 p.m., Beta Lounge. $10. www.betalounge.com.

Jazzanova plays Thurs/24, 9 p.m.-2 a.m., 111 Minna Gallery, 111 Minna, S.F. $10-$12. (415) 974-1719.

Layo and Bushwacka play Fri/25, 10 p.m.-4 a.m., Mezzanine, 444 Jessie, S.F. $12-$15. (415) 820-9669.

Slum Village plays with D12 Sun/27-Mon/28, 8 p.m., Fillmore, 1805 Geary, S.F. $40. (415) 346-6000.

E-mail Vivian Host at plusone@sfbg.com.