By Jimmy Draper

EVERYONE LOVES TO bitch about the ubiquity of Britney and Xtina et al, but it turns out a summer free of high-drama pop divas isn't so desirable after all. After the tabloid-baiting returns of Mariah, Whitney, Xtina, Kylie, and J.Lo in 2002, followed by the reign of Beyoncé, Mary, and Ashanti last summer, the hot months of 2004 have been quite tepid so far. Pop music, at least as far as its leading ladies are concerned, has recently settled into a frustrating holding pattern: mediocre albums are exploited for even more mediocre third and fourth singles (ahem, Beyoncé), MTV isn't showcasing new faces, let alone breaking promising new talent – sorry, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson don't count – and there are no major new releases on the near horizon. So what, exactly, went wrong? Since enduring an analysis of actual record-biz politics might prove as dull as listening to the current Brandy single, below are the latest report cards of the stagnating offenders who've left this summer with much to be desired.

Britney No, her knee injury isn't karmic comeuppance for stealing a man from his preggers baby mama or, more shockingly, for recording "Me Against the Music." Far likelier is that Britknee's spill is just an impeccably timed stunt to save face – after all, she's got the perfect excuse to cancel the last leg of her embarrassing, much ridiculed Onyx Hotel tour if she can't dance. (Never mind that she spends most of the show on her back.) Unfortunately, the upcoming fourth single from In the Zone (Jive), the R. Kelly-penned "Outrageous" (chorus: "Outrageous in my sexy jeans!"), won't salvage her free-falling rep: far from the euphoric, near perfect "Toxic," the song is so relentlessly insipid that, after its inevitable umpteen million airplays, it'll have wreaked havoc on summer completely and utterly. At least her impending marriage should make for fun, wonderfully mean-spirited conversations. Place your bets now as to whether she'll beat her previous record of 55 hours of marital bliss. B-

Janet No titty pity, please: MTV's support of Janet's latest album has been lackluster, but don't entirely blame the Super Bowl, uh, fallout. Much of the reason Damita Jo (Virgin) has floundered is that, unlike summer 2001's far superior All for You, there's not a single song on it worthy of becoming another "Miss You Much" or "That's the Way Love Goes." Instead of making actual hits, Ms. Jackson-cuz-she's-nasty has been making nonrevelations as inane as her new music: "I probably sound crazy to you," she recently told Blender, "but [sex is] something that I truly do enjoy." And if that's what she considers a "crazy" confession, then don't expect her to start dishing the dirt on anything as truly out there as the secret husbands and coffee enemas that made headlines last time around. The least she could do is bitch-slap Justin Timberlake for his post-"wardrobe malfunction" sellout. C+

Kylie Gay men alone, it turns out, cannot sustain a diva's reign. So while Kylie made a stateside comeback a few years ago with "Can't Get You out of My Head," the feeling wasn't mutual for most of the United States: judging by the sales of this winter's excellent Body Language (Capitol), you'd never know she made any headway whatsoever with 2002's disco-pop masterpiece, Fever. Not that Kylie, still largely unknown here despite regularly inspiring headlines like "Is Kylie Minogue an Alien?" in the U.K., has done herself many favors. She won't bring her nonstop-pop tours to this side of the Atlantic. She's made truly awful cameos on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Worst of all, she favors class over crass when it comes to her no-fun personal style. In other words, those looking for debaucherous diva antics should aim their pop gaydar elsewhere. D-

Avril So what if she's never heard the Sex Pistols and went "punk" with help from some middle-aged hit-makers? Authenticity is, like, so overrated – especially when the real deal rarely delivers anything as remotely enjoyable as "Complicated" and "I'm with You," songs so great they put Johnny Rotten's inexplicably praised bile to shame. No, the problem is that Avril v. 2.0, in her goth-girl corsets, black nail polish, and Doc Martens, is so deficient of actual charisma that she makes Vanessa Carlton look like Courtney Love. So while this spring's Under My Skin (Arista) is a fine slice of brooding, post-Evanescence pop rock, she just isn't capable of injecting rabble-rousing star power into this summer's slump. To wit: when she recently attempted to start a pop rivalry, she sabotaged herself by picking a laughably easy target. "Hilary Duff is such a goody-goody, such a mommy's girl," Avril whined, demonstrating a grasp of irony rivaled only by fellow Canadian Alanis Morissette. C

Pink She bitched that she was M!ssundaztood back in 2001, but today P!nk probably wishes people bothered to think about her at all. So let's get the pity party started: after paving the way for Avril and Xtina by selling five million copies of that anti-teen pop masterpiece, she released last fall's punk-driven Try This (Arista) and suddenly found herself in a load of, well, "Trouble." Follow-up singles fizzled. The album, while quite great, fell far short of platinum. She dated Tommy Lee. Let's hope she brings her overseas tour to the United States soon, so she can reestablish her rep as pop's boldest badass with reported stage antics such as abusing blow-up dolls of her nemesis, Xtina. Until then Pink should jump-start her career by finally coming out ... with a scandalous vid for her raunchy Peaches collaboration, "Oh My God." D

Xtina After staging a racy, saint-to-skank makeover that involved swapping spit with Madonna, er, Esther, donning Dee Snider-style fright wigs, and bragging about how many times she's pierced her coochie, perhaps the most shocking thing someone can do is, well, not shock. At least that'd help explain why Xtina – much to the disappointment and dismay of many – has toned down her ridiculously campy image and devastated hordes of screaming queens and 13-year-old showgirls-in-training with the cancellation of the summer's gloriously gaudy, bawdy, and tawdry Stripped tour. Unfortunately, with Britney also sidelined, that means pop's playing field is currently left wide open for ol' lady Madge, whose pro-cabala propaganda and commands to strike a yoga pose on the Re-invention Tour are sad substitutes for Xtina's assless chaps, simulated orgies, and do-me manifestos. Bring back Xtina, Christina! D+