FOR EVERY JANET there has to be a LaToya. And each era of frightening conservatism and economic misery that hits the United States brings troupes of wholesome pearl-toothed kin (remember the Osmonds? the Carpenters? the Baldwins?) along with it, allowing family values to fleece dollars from near-empty pockets. Thus the past year or two has seen the return of sister acts – a related trend in which one sibling essentially hitches her noncareer to the back of another's flashy famemobile. Solange Knowles jumped the gun on this movement, and her career, by trying to become a solo star before Beyoncé. Hilary Duff's near-clone Haylie is hoping no amount of Duff is enough for fans too young to remember the Go-Go's. When Ashlee Simpson grabbed the opportunity to tell viewers just how Driven her big sis is, who knew it was the mere beginning of a VH1 and MTV stealth attack demanding that people accept her not only as a singer but also as a brunette? Below you'll find status reports for the three main entrants in this year's sister-act sweepstakes. Note: until Paris and Nicky Hilton or Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen release musical masterworks, they aren't eligible.

Haylie and Hilary Duff

Haylie (less famous, older): Backup dancer for Hilary in Santa Clause 2; cowrote a few tunes on Hilary's debut album, appears in Napoleon Dynamite, and has no apparent personality, no matter how often she changes her hair color. Plays Jane Wiedlin to Hilary's Belinda Carlisle in a leaden remake of the Bush administration anthem "Our Lips Are Sealed." Google links to her name: 11,000.

Hilary (more famous, younger): About to star in A Cinderella Story; has hit movies, a hit album, her own line of Target crap, and a nonsibling rivalry with "bad girl" Lindsay Lohan. Google links to her name: 622,000.

Beyoncé and Solange Knowles

Beyoncé (more famous, older): Who could top Beyoncé? Google links to her name: 2,060,000.

Solange (less famous, younger): After a flop album and a bit part in Johnson Family Vacation, seems destined for Christopher Ciccone or Frank Stallone territory, with a lifetime of free Tommy Hilfiger perfume samples in her future. Currently stuck playing second fiddle to Kelly Rowland as Beyoncé's familial second fiddle. Not to be confused with French porn star Solange. Google links to her name: 15,600.

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson

Jessica (more famous, older): Overexposed and undertalented; married a robot. Crimes against humanity include a reality show, Pizza Hut ads with the Muppets, dueting with Jewel on "Who Will Save Your Soul" (during an otherwise semiawesome variety special), and her "deliciously kissable" Dessert Beauty product line with the tag line "You wear it ... then share it" (but why pay $32 for an ounce of Chocolicious Body Gloss when you can melt a Hershey bar in the microwave for, like, nothing?). Google links to her name: 1,190,000.

Ashlee (less famous, younger): Boringly normal person who plays a "punk" on new reality show and new album ("angsty" music as opposed to Jessica's croaky showboating on "Take My Breath Away"). Isn't relying on virginity gimmick (like Christina Aguilera during early days of Britney rivalry) and has dyed her hair black (like Xtina during height of Britney rivalry). Google links to her name: 56,300 – watch out, Jessica.

Cheryl Eddy, Sarah Han, Johnny Ray Huston, and Karina Kinik